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19. He’s broken out and is chasing me. He’s gaining on me too.
       I grab my bag of baby stuff and pull out the first thing that comes to hand. A plastic bottle. I throw it at the dog. It hits the road and bounces off into the gutter.
       I reach into the bag again. I grab something smooth and hard. A container of baby powder. Perfect! I can create a smokescreen that will choke the dog and give me time to disappear.
       I throw the powder. It hits the ground. The container explodes. An enormous cloud of perfumed white powder billows out behind me.

       But it doesn’t stop the dog. He runs straight through it as if it was . . . well . . . baby powder I guess. The only difference now is that he’s whiter. And madder. And he’s gaining on me.
       I have to speed up! I’ve got a strong tail wind. Why not take advantage of it? I remove my nappy Lucky I left my undies on. There’s a wire coathanger in the pram, so I rig the nappy up on a sort of coathanger sail-frame. The wind catches the nappy and I go speeding forwards. Soon the dog is just a speck in the distance.
       I hear bells. Uh-oh. Bells can mean only one thing. A railway crossing!
       A train is heading for the crossing and the boom gates are coming down. But it’s okay. I think I’m going fast enough to make it under the gates and across the tracks in time.
       I push the pram bonnet down so it doesn’t catch on the gate and duck right down so I don’t hit my head.
       I come to a sudden stop. I made it underthe boom gate all right, but now the wheels are stuck in the tracks. The train is almost on top of me.

       I close my eyes.
       This is it. The big one. What a stupid way to go. Sitting in a pram wearing nothing but a pair of undies.
       Then, above the dinging of the bell and the roar of the train, I hear the huffing and panting again.
       I look up. It’s the dog. Barrelling towards me with his head down. He’s going to give the pram the headbutt of the century.
       ‘No!’ I yell. ‘Stop! There’s no sense in both of us dying!’
       WHAM!
       The force of the dog hitting the back of the pram sends me hurtling forwards across the tracks, under the boom gate and speeding off down the road again.
       I look behind me. The train is clattering through the crossing. The dog is nowhere to be seen. But I can’t worry about him now— I’ve got problems of my own.
       I’m heading towards two men carrying a large sheet of glass. They see me coming. Their faces drop.
       I veer left so that they can keep going across the road. But they go left.

       I veer right to try to squeeze through the gap on the other side. But they go right.
       ‘Get out of the way!’ I yell.
       Now they’re just going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth . . .
       I notice a road off to the right. I’ve got to take it. I lean over to get the pram onto two wheels again.
       There is a great crash of breaking glass. I glance behind me. It’s the dog! He’s just run right through the sheet of glass. He is indestructible. The men are waving their arms and yelling.
       ‘Stop!’ they yell. ‘Eewayamp!’
       What? Are they crazy? Eewayamp? What’s an eewayamp?
       I turn around. I’m not on a road at all. I’m on a FREEWAY RAMP!
       And even worse, I’m heading towards a big red sign that says WRONG WAY GO BACK.
       I can’t. I’m going too fast. I’m going to be on the freeway in seconds.
       But the ramp has a sharp bend. There’s no way I can make that turn.
       I crash into the kerb. I go flying out of the pram, over the sign and over the sound protection barrier.

       I’m hurtling down into somebody’s backyard. This is going to hurt. Think of the biggest and baddest bike accident you ever had and then multiply it by fifteen thousand. Now take that number and raise it to the power of ten. It’s probably going to be about seventeen million times worse than that.
       I