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else going on, something new had started to happen in
my mind. I had separated into two distinct personalities. Because
of the medication I was on, I had become distant from God. I could
no longer feel Him surrounding me, I could no longer feel that beam
of light shining down upon me, or hear the angels singing in
heaven. My new, other personality came out when I smoked pot. The
normal me was weak, obedient to God, fearful of God, distant from
God, and small. I was the guy who was supposed to destroy the
world, the guy who had to do whatever God told him to do. I named my new personality “The
Leader.” The Leader didn’t give a fuck about the Bible, The
Leader didn’t give a fuck about the Book of Revelations, or
anything else in the Bible! “I’m here now, we can get rid of this
stupid fucking book!” People like Moses, or Jesus, they were as
nothing to The Leader! The Leader was the all-powerful, absolute
King of Heaven and Earth ! He
answered to no one!
    I would smoke
pot and I would realise what I had been saying, it all became real.
I was trying to destroy the fucking world! What the fuck happened
to me?! If I did that, I would be the Antichrist! I’ve been acting
like the most evil man on the planet, sending letters to the
President telling him to destroy half the world ! Then I would change my ideas, from death
and destruction and most of the world going to hell, and I would
desperately send a new letter telling him that everyone is going to
heaven! I was so worried that they were really going to bomb
everyone, I had to get the new letter sent off quickly! I’d write
stuff about monkeys and dolphins and whales going to heaven, then
I’d think, why don’t I just send all of the animals to heaven?! I
would write it down, and then I would see it in my mind, all of the
animals playing around in heaven! I also imagined Hitler burning at
millions of degrees in hell. He was my only occupant in hell,
although I was preparing a place for bin Laden, and I had this
invisible knob with which I could turn the heat up and down on
Hitler. I would see it in my mind, Hitler’s relief when I turned it
down, and his pain when I turned it back up. I had planned to give
my Jewish friend Adam a turn playing with the knob too. I thought
he’d like that, although he wouldn’t be able to see Hitler in his
mind like I could.
    Slowly The
Leader’s influence would begin fade, and I would start thinking
that I had to do everything the Bible said again, and destroy the
world and send all the sinners to hell. It was an internal
struggle, made more difficult by the fact that it became very
difficult for me to buy pot because none of my friends would sell
it to me anymore. I would beg people for pot, I needed it to become
The Leader, but most of the time they wouldn’t let me have it.
    The last time
I hung out with Ben was when he came over and I asked him if he
wanted to meet The Leader, he said “I’d very much like to meet The
Leader.” It didn’t go quite as planned, we smoked pot and then I
started crying and saying “just because I think I’m heaps shit,
I’ve been made heaps powerful.” I had read this line in the Bible
where Jesus says “all those who humble themselves will be exalted,
and all those who exalt themselves will be humbled.” I would say to
myself “I’m so humble, I’m just a nobody,” all the while claiming
to have powers over heaven and hell, and trying to destroy the
world, and then get goosebumps and tremble and feel my power
increasing. Of course it was silly, I wasn’t being “humble” at all.
I only saw Ben briefly once more after that, when he let me get
some pot off him. He didn’t want anything more to do with me after
that, I had made a fool of myself.
    I believed
that Britney Spears was my virgin. I believed that Britney Spears
was created for me, although I did question God’s taste in women,
and I didn’t like the idea of God telling me who I should marry (because what would He