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is kind
of my nemesis these days, I’ll always remember that dream. I woke
up in the morning with a huge smile on my face. “Jesus had just
called me the Messiah, it’s my turn now.” I never used to remember
my dreams, but this was the most vivid and real dream I’d ever had
in my life, it was a dream that I will remember forever . T his was truly a dream from
God.
    I had to get
out of the hospital, I thought that the best way would be to
convince them that I was the Messiah, “then they would have to let
me out!” It seemed so obvious to me, surely it should be obvious to
them too. I made friends with a young guy in there, he told me
“you’ve gotta know when to hold them and when to fold
them . ” I heard what he
was saying, but I thought that I could convince these people of the
“truth.” Although I didn’t take his advice at the time, I did
listen to him in the end, and I’ll always remember that piece of
advice he gave me .
    I was in that
hospital for two months, and over time the boredom and isolation
got the better of me. What started as “the thought police,” became
my prayers. Once I rid myself of all of my angry thoughts towards God, I began talking to
Him in my mind. I was never big on prayer, being raised an atheist, but since He knows
all of my thoughts, all that was necessary was for me to think
messages or conversations and send them to Him. What started out as
me imagining His replies in thought form became something where I
didn’t have to consciously imagine what He would say back, it would
just appear in my mind. I wasn’t well.
    They finally
let me out when I begged them. I broke down in a group meeting and
told them I’ve got no one to talk to except the voices in my head,
I told them that I can’t take it anymore and I need to get out of
there. I never gave up on my beliefs while I was in the hospital,
but perhaps this was the first time I began to doubt my sanity.
They let me out not long after that.
    Once I got out
of the hospital though, life was no picnic. I was still working on
saving the world. Every time I turned on the TV, it didn’t matter
what show I was watching, it seemed like God was talking to me. I
would pick out individual lines as messages from God. I was still
writing stuff about “I have created seven layers of heaven and
seven layers of hell,” but the Book of Revelations had changed
me.
    After I read
the Book of Revelations in the hospital, I believed that it was my
mission to destroy all of the non-believers. I would threaten all
of the non-believers with hell, and post letters to the Pentagon
and the White House telling them to destroy India and the Middle
East, to drop atomic bombs on them and kill everyone because they
were evil sinners who worshipped false gods. I was trying to do
what God told me to do in the Book of Revelations, destroy the
world. I imagined the President in Washington reading my letters
and talking with his men, “what do we do about this guy? Do we do
what he tells us? He’s the Messiah, we have to!” In my mind there
was panic in Washington, and around the world. They knew that I was
here, and they knew that they had to destroy the world, but they
didn’t want to. They didn’t know what to do about me, but they knew
that I was the Messiah. I was here to start World War III, and they
knew it, but they wanted to wait and see if I’d reconsider. I used
to ask God, “which countries do you want me to destroy?” with a
smile on my face. Of course there was no answer, and I’d look at
the birthmark on my thigh, which is kind of in the shape of India,
and it’s hot, and I’d ask, “is that it God? Do you want me to
destroy India?” I thought that the heat from my birthmark signified
the fires of hell. When I thought that I was supposed to destroy
the world, I understood why God had chosen me. He had chosen me for
my lack of empathy. It made sense to me that destroying the world
was my mission.
    But then there
was something