Tears

Read Tears for Free Online

Book: Read Tears for Free Online
Authors: Francine Pascal
him, but because I know these beautifully ordinary days withGaia can only last so long. So I am savoring every moment.
    Tonight I made a leg of lamb for dinner while my daughter set the table and complained about her boyfriend. At dinner I listened to her grumbling about his missing an after-school date. And then after dinner I did the dishes as she read the newspaper. I demanded that she do her homework beforehand, and she argued— rightly—that she didn’t need to study for her French test. But I argued back just the same. Though my daughter is a gifted linguist, I thought for once I would try to just be a dad, like a million other dads at that moment all around the city.
    To anyone else, this would be just another ordinary evening. But to me it was anything but. To me it was unforgettable.
    I pray that days like these won’t end. I wish every new day could be as perfectly banal.
    But I know my twin brother.
LOKI
    It is hard for me to fathom my reversal of fortune. So close to having Gaia. My Gaia. The daughter that should have been mine. But now, according to the latest missive received from J, my precious girl is living with Tom. It makes my flesh crawl.
    I must be patient. I envision her angelic face, so reminiscent of Katia’s—yet also a face that carries my strength, my will.
    My DNA.
    Yes, every time I see my own image in her, I am blessed. It is like reading a tiny love letter from Katia to me, every time.
    Except that now she is looking at Tom. Living with Tom. Letting him guide her, take her farther and farther away from me.
    I am the only man who truly loves her, who truly understands what she was born to be.
    I must be patient.
    It is only a matter of time before I will be out of this prison, away from the uncouthcompany of petty killers and common thugs, from this vulgar zoo of lowest-common-denominator behavior. I must constantly remind myself that there is humor to be found in the situation. After all, this is the Manhattan federal jail—the facility where the world’s most dangerous men are routinely held captive. The World Trade Center bombers were quarantined here. And yet the security is so extraordinarily lax.
    Of course, for most prisoners the security must seem quite threatening indeed. Armed guards in every corridor and at every exit at all times. Infrared cameras, ten-inch-thick steel doors. But for me these factors merely represent an occasional hindrance. My body is trapped, but my thoughts are free to roam. As are my commands. Visitors can still get inside the front door, and that is all I need. The sad fact of the matter is that the line between criminal and guard is animaginary one at best—easily blurred or erased with a bribe.
    To say that all criminals are the same is to stereotype in the most base and ignorant fashion. There is no one here like me. How I loathe these plebeian crooks! Their aspirations in life are so ultimately unimportant. They constitute no noble ambition or pure design. For the most part they are driven by greed: for money, for power, for sex. They can’t see past it.
    My patience is wearing thin.
    But the world will change. I know it. I must concentrate my energies on the moment when I shall be free to reclaim what is mine. What should have been mine all along. Like Katia herself.
    Katia. Her death was a mistake. My only regret. Her lovely eyes stare back at me in my dreams, dead and vacant. Blood in her magnificent hair. She haunts me, my one regret, the sweetest of loves
.
    But one regret focuses a man’s will. Deepens his convictions. Forces him to confront himself. Spurs him on to attain his goals and master his own hubris. This introspection is a test of courage. To regret is to acknowledge one’s humanity and weakness. That is the first step toward strength. Yes, one regret is of utmost importance. But two regrets would merely amount to failure. And I do not intend to fail. I shall escape this meaningless purgatory of

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