Read Strange Brain Parts for Free Online

had a thing for it, too. The Alpha Proxims really ate that crap up back in the day. There's whole belief systems based on one or more all-powerful entities showing up and mixing it up with sentient beings. Actually, just about every belief system in the universe is based on godlike people coming around and driving the locals crazy.”
    Pain fixed a stare at Death and waited for a good long time to see if Death understood what he was talking about. He finally said, “You haven’t the foggiest idea what I’m talking about here do you?”
    “I was kinda hoping you’d just keep talking so I could pick out the details from what you were saying.”
    Pain sighed and said, “Divine intervention is where a god or gods directly mess with the affairs of sentient beings.”
    “Gotcha,” said Death. “What’s your game plan?”
    “We keep it simple for now, I think,” began Pain. “Let's pick out some worthless human being and promise it immortality. It’s been a while since we’ve been to Earth, so let’s start there.”
    “Damn, man,” said a disappointed Death. “We can’t promise anything like that. We don’t have that kind of authority.”
    “Well, I know that,” said Pain, rolling his eyes, “but that's the whole point here. We're just messing with the human's head a bit. You think an ignorant human is gonna know two godlike beings don't have godlike power?”
    “Probably not.”
    “There you go. Anyway, we have to throw in one catch. These deals always have a catch. Something like...to qualify for the aforementioned immortality the human must make a sacrifice to us every month. Not a stupid bunny or goat but another human being. As long as it keeps making sacrifices to us it will remain alive. What do you think, buddy?”
    Death tapped his fingers on the large oaken table they were seated at and thought about the idea for a moment. An unholy fire ignited and swirled in his empty eye sockets. He said, “You know, I like it. It’s not completely original but it’s workable and, to be honest, I can't think of anything better at the moment.”
    Pain enthusiastically said, “It’s agreed then! Now let’s find a suitable human and strike up a deal.”
    “Um,” began Death, “How should we do that?”
    Pain shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “Walk randomly down a street on Earth and see what we can see, I guess. How hard can something like this be?”
    * * *
    Failure was a minor entity who, in a very curious way that can’t be explained because it makes absolutely no sense, was related to both Pain and Death. However, neither of them was particularly close to their families and couldn’t, if asked, pick Failure out of a lineup. That’s why their quest for a suitable human for their mischievous game was so unsuccessful at first.
    Twenty-one humans believed Pain and Death’s offer of immortality was a rather sick joke being made by their friends with a really stupid sense of humor.
    Ten humans produced guns and tried to ventilate Pain and Death’s impervious bodies. Pain was amused by the effort, but recognized a failure when he saw one (he just didn’t recognize Failure).
    A surprising number of humans, forty-two all tolled, gave up their wallets or purses and ran away screaming for help. Death kept their identification cards for future reference.
    Six humans asked if they were being taped for some popular reality style television program.
    One human died outright when Pain and Death approached him. “Great,” said Death. “More paperwork. Like I need this aggravation.”
    Finally, Pain spotted Failure in his peripheral vision nonchalantly dismantling the brake system on a car. Pain approached Failure and told her to bugger off before he turned all of her toilet paper into rusty barbed wire and then gave her case of explosive diarrhea. Quite sure that Pain wasn’t bluffing or incapable of the threat, Failure thought it best to leave the pair alone and amuse herself by tampering with baby