Read Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? for Free Online

sixty oil paintings of toreadors on black velvet.
    “Well? What do you think? And be honest.”
    No! Once more. No! What you do is tell them what they want to hear by letting them hear what they think they are hearing. Meaning? Stay on the fence.
    Keep these handy neutral answers in your head and save everybody’s night. And feelings. Here’s what you can say:
• “Wow . . .”
• “Swell.”
• “You did it again.”
• “It’s all you.”
• “It’s got you all over it.”
• “How do you do it?”
• “You must be so proud of yourself.”
• “I couldn’t do that.”
• “Nobody but you, nobody but you.”
• “I think you found yourself.”
• “Somebody’s been working.”
• “I’ve never seen/heard anything like this.”
• “I am speechless.”
    None of these is really a lie, now, is it? Especially not this one:
• “Know what? I am going to be remembering this moment for a long time.”
    What do you think of my list? And be honest . . .

Chapter 14
Gracious You
    We’ve all seen this, right? A little kid . . . maybe even your kid . . . one who is possibly the most adorable young man on the planet . . . is at his birthday party. He zooms right past the greeting card without even reading it and starts ripping into that gift wrap and ribbon like a grizzly clawing at a picnic cooler. Ribbon’s flying, paper’s shredding . . . Stand back, everybody! He gets the box open, sees the present, and, as you wait, poised to capture his delight on camera for posterity, the charming little youngster looks up and says, “This isn’t the one I wanted.”
    But, you know, that’s kids. Especially if they’re very young. They’re not polite, and we all know that. But here’s the problem. How many times recently have you seen the same thing play out—the ripping at the paper, the tearing open of the gift, and the comment of disappointment—but it’s not a kid, it’s a grown-up?
    And you think to yourself—WTF!??
    Here’s my feeling about gifts. I like them. Even the worst ones. Because your worst gift might be my favorite gift. No matter what it is, it shows that you care.
    If you open a gift from somebody—and they’re sitting right there—watch your face. Don’t sit there frowning. So it’s a toilet paper cozy. All right. But, hey, not just any toilet paper cozy . . . One that someone spent hours knitting. And in this moment—this split second of discovery—all sorts of things are just banging around in your mind. First is, “Now what the hell am I going to do with a toilet paper cozy?!” And then, “My TP doesn’t get cold enough to wear a dainty little sweater. And even if it did, I sure don’t want my friends coming over, using my bathroom, and thinking that I am the sort of person who needs, desires, or covets a toilet paper cozy!!” Yep. All those thoughts, and more, go racing around your head—but—and this is essential—but . . . under no circumstances let them come flying out of your mouth. And do not—do not—let them show on your face. No, no. This is your moment to shine. This is your chance to win that Oscar or that Tony Award for Best Performance by a Disappointed Recipient. Here’s what you do.
    Smile. Show some teeth. Say, “Thank you, it’s . . . swell!”
    If it’s the cell phone you wanted but not the right model, do not say, “Oh. I was hoping for the one with more gigs.” Nuh-uh. Where are those teeth? There they are. Smile. Say something like “Wow,” or make an agreeable sound.
    You can do it!
    Now. If you are fortunate enough to have some money, and someone who doesn’t got you a ten-dollar coupon for a latte, don’t make that person who stretched her budget to include you in her giving feel like crap for caring. Try saying how much you’d love a latte right now. You don’t need to overact or anything. We all know it’s not a new set of tires for your Porsche. Just accept it with thanks and a smile.
    Pretend it’s you doing the