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giving. Do you want to hear right that second that the person has one already? Or that it’s the wrong color? Or they don’t have room to put it anywhere? Or that they suddenly decided they don’t like to collect Belgian beer steins anymore and didn’t alert the Western Hemisphere?
    What they say is true. You shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. That’s when you have to suck it up. And, yeah, it really is the thought that counts. And to people who think of you, even if they have no taste, it’s still a big deal.
    Gifts are a tricky thing. Both people are looking for reaction. If you’re the one opening the package, it’s a chance for someone who cared enough about you to give it to receive a gift in return. Appreciation.
    Be gracious. Like I say, pretend it’s you.

Chapter 15
Toenail Clipping and Common Scents
    I fought with myself on this. I’ve been going round and round asking myself, “Do I really need to say this?” Sadly . . . yes, I do. Because I—not to mention the rest of us who have seen you do this “activity”—have been sufficiently grossed out. So, I will say this.
    Listening?
    Please, do not cut your toenails on the train. Or on the bus. Or at the table you are hogging at Starbucks. It’s not your bathroom.
    Do that at home!
    And if you find that it takes you too long in the morning to do it there— get up earlier . But I don’t want to have to sit and look at you doing that. And I am not alone. Oh, and clipping your toenails? That goes with brushing your hair—I don’t want to see that in public either.
    It’s not OK to force your bathroom habits outside of your house. You don’t have that right.
    It’s unsanitary. And, let’s face it. It’s NASTY.
    Except for the privacy of your home, here is a list of places where it is uncool to clip your nails. Ready?
    Everywhere .
    You should have done it before you left the house. They call it personal hygiene for a reason. Because your hygiene is your issue. But once you take it outside, you make it someone else’s issue. Just because it’s a public place, you simply can’t do whatever you want. I’m here to tell you, no, no, you can’t.
    That’s why you can’t walk around with your pants down and your pookie showing. The public does not need—or want—to see it.
    While you’re cinching up your belt, think about this. Many states have laws against handheld electronics in cars, right? ’Cause it’s dangerous. So why would it be any safer for folks to line their lips, put mascara on their lashes, clip their nose hair, or do any of the other things that we won’t talk about . . . while they’re behind the wheel at fifty miles per hour?
    A lot of this is laziness. It’s lazy people saying, “Oh, you know, I’ll do it in the car.” I say, No! No! No! No! No! Don’t do it in the car. Do it at home. Take the time , get up a little earlier , and leave the house— done . So that when you get in the car, you’re driving .
    Which is what you’re supposed to be doing.
    Since we are on the subject, I don’t want to smell you either. Good smell, bad smell, I don’t want to spend the rest of my day trying to get your odor out of my hair and off my clothes. Perfume, BO, smelly feet, scented hand cream, eau de cologne , eau de toilet , none of it.
    One of the reasons I wanted to write this book is because we are all getting crowded closer and closer together and we need to figure out how to make life pleasant for each other in spite of close proximity.
    So as long as we’re all crowded so close, let’s deal with our smells . . . please??
    We all try to be fresh for the day, which is fine. But God, how many times have you been stuck in a carpool with somebody day after day and they’re wearing enough cologne to make your eyes bleed!!
    And don’t drop an air biscuit in the elevator. Need I say more?
    I think not.
    Oh . . . And remember the windows in your car are made of glass. Stop picking your nose!
    Let’s face it. Hygiene