the uncontrollable desire for the drug.
10
Annika had been feeling weird for a few days. She was sleepy in the afternoons at work; tired most of the time and perceived smells much more acutely. Finally she decided not to prolong the uncertainty and buy a pregnancy test on her way to work in the morning.
Just like the accident with the car, Annika had decided to do the last, the craziest and most desperate thing ever. She had decided to get pregnant. If anything could bring Stefan back, that would be the only thing. If she tried that too, then she would know that she had tried everything possible. She would not think that she had given up too soon and that she was not strong enough.
Before going to her patients, she took her bag and went to the bathroom. The few seconds were the most difficult ones. She was waiting with terror.
The second line started appearing and became brighter and brighter. She held the test with two stripes in her shaking hands. She looked at it with disbelief and fear.
What had she done? She was not ready for this! How could she have done something so stupid and irresponsible? She fought with herself and although she was supposed to feel joy looking at the positive result, it was just the opposite. Annika realised that she had made a huge mistake and a wrong choice. A baby was not supposed to be a tool to solve her problems. An innocent baby was not supposed to be punished for having a drug-addict father. He was not supposed to get sick genes and suffer from disease all his life. Annika was going to give birth to a baby predestined to be unhappy. And she hated herself for it... What a way to start the day!
Annika tried to work as if nothing had happened. She conducted her duties, spoke with patience in her usual mild tone and did her best not to show the thunder in her soul. She was crushed, smashed and broken. But at the same time Annika knew that, before she went home, she had to pull herself together, find strength and make plans for the future. Annika knew that she did not have a choice; she had to go home and tell Stefan. She hoped he wouldn't be too stoned to realise what exactly she was telling him and what exactly it meant.
At some point, about three hours before the end of her working day, Annika felt that she could not bear it any more. She had to get it off her chest, so she asked to leave early. She was going home as a surprise without knowing whether it would be a good or a bad surprise. The only hopeful thing was that, if Stefan's ultimatum about the two options was true, then he wouldn’t commit suicide and they’d all live, including the baby.
****
Annika walked home because she needed time and fresh air to clear her mind. She had lots of confused thoughts fighting each other in her head, unclear and diverse feelings in her soul and a tiny baby embryo in her belly.
While she was climbing the stairs, she did not know what state Stefan would be in, nor how he would react to her surprise. But what then happened, she could not have predicted at all. There was a counter-surprise from Stefan. A surprise...or a blow... or a punch... or a....
She opened the door with her keys and hoped things wouldn't go too badly. But things were far worse than she could possibly have imagined.
Their bedroom was loud with aggressive music. She entered the room and froze. She could not breathe, she could not move, she could not make a sound... What she saw was worse than a blow, worse than a punch and worse than death... She could not believe her eyes, although she was 100% certain that what she saw was real, logical and true...
The unwrapped heroin papers were tossed on the bedroom floor, the needles were on the small table next to the bed but the most “interesting” sight was on the bed itself. There Stefan was fucking one of Annika's best friends. No, he was not
10
Annika had been feeling weird for a few days. She was sleepy in the afternoons at work; tired most of the time and perceived smells much more acutely. Finally she decided not to prolong the uncertainty and buy a pregnancy test on her way to work in the morning.
Just like the accident with the car, Annika had decided to do the last, the craziest and most desperate thing ever. She had decided to get pregnant. If anything could bring Stefan back, that would be the only thing. If she tried that too, then she would know that she had tried everything possible. She would not think that she had given up too soon and that she was not strong enough.
Before going to her patients, she took her bag and went to the bathroom. The few seconds were the most difficult ones. She was waiting with terror.
The second line started appearing and became brighter and brighter. She held the test with two stripes in her shaking hands. She looked at it with disbelief and fear.
What had she done? She was not ready for this! How could she have done something so stupid and irresponsible? She fought with herself and although she was supposed to feel joy looking at the positive result, it was just the opposite. Annika realised that she had made a huge mistake and a wrong choice. A baby was not supposed to be a tool to solve her problems. An innocent baby was not supposed to be punished for having a drug-addict father. He was not supposed to get sick genes and suffer from disease all his life. Annika was going to give birth to a baby predestined to be unhappy. And she hated herself for it... What a way to start the day!
Annika tried to work as if nothing had happened. She conducted her duties, spoke with patience in her usual mild tone and did her best not to show the thunder in her soul. She was crushed, smashed and broken. But at the same time Annika knew that, before she went home, she had to pull herself together, find strength and make plans for the future. Annika knew that she did not have a choice; she had to go home and tell Stefan. She hoped he wouldn't be too stoned to realise what exactly she was telling him and what exactly it meant.
At some point, about three hours before the end of her working day, Annika felt that she could not bear it any more. She had to get it off her chest, so she asked to leave early. She was going home as a surprise without knowing whether it would be a good or a bad surprise. The only hopeful thing was that, if Stefan's ultimatum about the two options was true, then he wouldn’t commit suicide and they’d all live, including the baby.
****
Annika walked home because she needed time and fresh air to clear her mind. She had lots of confused thoughts fighting each other in her head, unclear and diverse feelings in her soul and a tiny baby embryo in her belly.
While she was climbing the stairs, she did not know what state Stefan would be in, nor how he would react to her surprise. But what then happened, she could not have predicted at all. There was a counter-surprise from Stefan. A surprise...or a blow... or a punch... or a....
She opened the door with her keys and hoped things wouldn't go too badly. But things were far worse than she could possibly have imagined.
Their bedroom was loud with aggressive music. She entered the room and froze. She could not breathe, she could not move, she could not make a sound... What she saw was worse than a blow, worse than a punch and worse than death... She could not believe her eyes, although she was 100% certain that what she saw was real, logical and true...
The unwrapped heroin papers were tossed on the bedroom floor, the needles were on the small table next to the bed but the most “interesting” sight was on the bed itself. There Stefan was fucking one of Annika's best friends. No, he was not
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