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making love to her, he was fucking her – and there is a huge difference between the two.
     
    Annika just stood there, frozen.  The only things that moved were the tears sliding down her cheeks.  There was a dull noise in her ears and she could not hear much more.  Stefan jumped to his feet and the girl covered herself and stayed in bed looking at Annika with horror in her eyes. At least she had brains enough to keep silent.  But Stefan was talking nonstop just as he had on the day when his car had hit her at the bus stop.
     
    “Annika, please, let me explain!” as if it were possible to explain anything.
     
    He spoke and at the same time tried to put on his jeans, hopping on one foot.  He looked miserable and ridiculous at the same time.  Nor did he look so handsome any more, half naked and with fear in his eyes.  Annika did not see Kurt Cobain any longer.  All she saw was a fucked-up drug addict.
     
    “Please, calm down,” as if it were Annika panicking instead of him.             
     
    Annika recalled what she had been planning to tell him; in this situation that news became totally ironic.  She thought of the baby inside her and felt like throwing up right there in the middle of the bedroom.  The bedroom, which had been their paradise before it had become a living hell.
     
    Finally Annika came out of her state of paralysis.  She had dropped her bag when she saw them and the sound had made the couple jump up in bed.  Now Annika grabbed her bag from the floor and ran out of the apartment.
     
    Stefan rushed after her, trying to stop her.  All Annika wanted was to get away and be as far from him as possible.  He was reaching her and pulling her hand to stop.  She was pushing him away with her hand out and running away again.  Annika did not say a word and her tears were blurring her vision.
     
    “I won’t let you go!  Please stop.  Calm down,” Stefan knew he was shouting nonsense, but did not know what else he could do.  What he knew for sure was that if he let her go, most probably she would never come back again.  And that was something he had to prevent at all costs.
     
    Annika ran into the street and continued running.  Heavy spring rain was pouring down.  Stefan ran to the car, turned on the engine and drove after her.  He opened the passenger window when he reached her, slowed down and driving next to Annika asked her to get in and talk.
     
    Annika did not want to talk.  When she wanted to talk he was never alone, never available and never sober.  Now it was too late and she knew that this was the end.  No matter what he said, nothing would ever be the same again.  Everything was over; nothing was left to rehabilitate, nothing to try for, and nothing worth saving...
     
    Annika was completely soaked by the heavy raindrops, but she did not even notice.  Stefan's voice and the car driving beside her irritated her, she wanted them to disappear.  She wanted to disappear herself in order not to feel what she felt – the extreme pain.  She was totally crushed.
    “I will not let you go, do you understand?”  Stefan shouted at her through the window.
     
    Annika felt rage inside – who was he, after what he'd done, to decide what she should do?  How could he, after what he'd done, have the gall to talk to her at all?  And the constant question WHY?  turning in her mind and torturing her inside.... WHY? WHY? WHY?
     
    When she could take this no more, she stopped, turned around to face the car and cried at the top of her lungs
     
    “I HATE YOU!!!”
     
    Stefan looked at her in disbelief.  He felt as if she had stabbed him with a knife... He lost his breath for a few seconds.  Then the shock and the heroin kicked in, and a crazy look came into his eyes.  He shouted back
     
    “I won't let you go, even if you hate me,” and floored the accelerator. He drove at her.
     
    Annika watched the car coming at her but she did not move.
     
    It was a déjà vu,