God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible

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Book: Read God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible for Free Online
Authors: C.J. Werleman
civilizations such as the Australian Aboriginals have a pause in their history that would denote such a catastrophe. Thus another bogus fable, and a fable with similar tenets told in almost every religion since the dawn of time.
     
    Furthermore, the credibility that all species of animal, insects (of which there are more than 1 million species of beetles alone) and man alive today are a result of the miraculous efforts of a 900 year old man, Noah, corralling two of every living thing onto his 450 foot long boat, and then successfully encouraging all these species to mate with one another after spending 150 days trapped on a timber barge, is too stupid to imagine. The comical improbability of this story can be pictured with the mind’s eye - a man that is nearly a millennia in age, wearing nothing but a flimsy sheep wool robe and a pair of ancient thongs probably held together by no more than a couple pieces of leather hide, prancing around the world trying to collect two of every species. Imagine his difficulty in getting a male and female Sumatran tiger. He had to clip clop his way all the way down to Indonesia, set traps in the Sumatran jungle then catch two of these powerful cats that could kill you with a playful swipe of their paws. Not only catch them but also imagine Noah carrying them all the way back to the Middle East, only to discover that both tigers had a set of testicles.
     
    Or picture Noah, there standing proudly before the completed Ark with most of the animals on board, including the dinosaurs, asking his sons, “Alright lads, are we sure we have got all the animals on God’s list?” His sons reply, “No Dad, there’s a small problem. None of us have heard of a kangaroo, nor have we heard of a place called Australia.” Noah then replied, “Must be one of God’s typos. Ok, what is next on the list?” “A Koala.” “Shit!”
     
    As a teenager I recall looking at a picture of an Aardvark and thinking that if ever there was animal that named itself then it must have been this mammal. There’s Noah standing in front of the Ark, the rain pouring down, he’s holding a clipboard and asking that all animals assemble in alphabetical order. Noah looks down at this strange looking creature and asks, “What is it that you are?” “I am an Aardvark,” came the reply. “Ok well go stand behind the antelope?” To which Noah is hastily informed by the four legged critter that his species is spelt with two a’s. As in a double stroke of animal genius!
     
    American columnist Judith Hayes also pondered these kind of comical questions in relation to this childish story that frighteningly more than 60% of Americans believe to be literal truth when she wrote:
     
    “ The biblical account of Noah’s Ark and the Flood is perhaps the most implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where, for example, while loading his ark did Noah find penguins and polar bears in Palestine?”
     
    Not only do we know that it would have been impossible to house all the millions and billions of living species on this boat, but we also know there is no DNA evidence to show that all animals on earth came from single breeding pairs just a few thousand years ago.
     
    Final thoughts on this, where would Noah have kept the woodpeckers and the termites? With all these millions of animals, reptiles and insects on board this boat for months how big was the poo-room? Ha, poop!
     
God’s Covenant with Noah
     
    As the floodwaters receded Noah set forth to ensure all the animals were busy mating. He also encouraged his sons to mate with their wives so that mankind could begin to multiply once more. God made the following promise to Noah:
     
    “ Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him: ‘I now establish my covenant with you and your descendents after you and with every living creature that is with you….Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the

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