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weenie in the Bad Song Survey was Gilbert O’Sullivan, who was singled out for “Alone Again (Naturally),” in which he cheers everybody up with these words:
     
    In a little while from now
    If I’m not feeling any less sour
    I promise myself to treat myself
    And visit a nearby tower
    And climbing to the top
    Will throw myself off...
    Don’t let us stop you, Gilbert!
    Other songs getting votes in the you-don’t-love-me-so-it’s-time-to-jump-into-the-bathtub-with-an-electrical-appliance genre were Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself” and Randy Vanwarmer’s “(You Left Me) Just When I Needed You Most.”
    In the Group Weenie Efforts category, the survey leader was Bread, which got votes for:
“Diary”—“I found her diary underneath a tree and started reading about me.”
“If”—“If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can’t I paint you?” (Huh?)
“Baby I’m-a Want You”—“Baby I’m-a too lazy to write lyrics that scan, so I’m-a just add an extra ‘a’ whenever I’m-a need a syllable.”
    Another weenie band I’d like to take special note of is Climax, whose hit “Precious and Few” sounds roughly like this:
    Precious and few are the moments we two can share
So it seems kind of odd that when we are together
All I do is keep repeating the same statement, namely
Precious and few are the moments we two can share
     
    With those precious words echoing in my few remaining brain cells, I think I’m-a stop here.
     
    1 Who, speaking of writing songs, also wrote “Do the Surfer Stomp.”

Love Songs
    Words from the Heart(Or Somewhere Around There)
     
     
    L ove can be wonderful, but it also can be very destructive. It can cause people to lie, to cheat, to steal, to commit murder, and—worst of all—to write lyrics like these:
    Why do birds suddenly appear
    Every time you are near?
    These lyrics are of course from the Carpenters’ huge hit “(They Long to Be) Close to You,” which received a solid vote in the Bad Song Survey. You frankly have to ask yourself: “Do I really want to be near somebody who causes birds to appear suddenly? Didn’t Alfred Hitchcock do a horror movie about this?”
    “(They Long to Be) Close to You” was written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David, who also wrote many fine songs. On the other hand, they wrote “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head,” not to mention “Wives and Lovers” (see “Songs Women Really Hate”) as well as the Perry Como hit “Magic Moments,” which contains these lyrics:
    The way that we cheered whenever our team was scoring a touchdown
    The time that the floor fell out of my car when I put the clutch down
    But getting back to love songs: The voters in the Bad Song Survey singled out several songs that, although they seem to be intended to stir romantic feelings in a person of the opposite gender, seem more likely to stir some other emotion. Fear, for example. I am referring here to Steve Miller’s “Abracadabra,” 1 which begins with this sensitive and poetic statement:
    Abra, abracadabra
    I wanna reach out and grab ya
    A similar sentiment is expressed in the Four Seasons’ “My Eyes Adored You,” wherein Frankie Valli sings these classy lines:
    My eyes adored you
    Though I never laid a hand on you
    Speaking of romantic sentiments, one of my personal favorites, even though it got only a couple of survey votes, is “Girl Watcher,” sung by the O’Kaysions, which features a line that would surely melt any woman’s heart:
    Hello there female
    My my, but you do look swell
    Gosh! Thank you, male! Let’s have sex relations!
    Another very romantic song receiving survey votes was Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s the Night,” in which Rod wins the Mr. Subtle Award for this line:
     
    Spread your wings and let me come inside
    In the same song, Rod also wins the Mr. Logic Award for singing:
     
    Just let your inhibitions run wild
    Don’t worry, Rod! Our inhibitions are completely out of control! Which is why we’re keeping