Read Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs (Backlist eBook Program) for Free Online Page A

our wings tightly folded!
    A somewhat less direct approach was taken by Tony Orlando when he and Dawn sang “Knock Three Times,” a song about a guy who is infatuated with the woman in the apartment underneath his, but he’s apparently too shy to talk to her, so instead he sings to her, at the top of his lungs:
    Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!
    Twice on the pipe, if the answer is no!
    I hate to suck the romance out of this story, but there’s a good chance that if Tony keeps that up, the neighbors are going to get some pipes and start knocking on him .
    There are a lot more bad love songs, but in my opinion one of the worst, when you consider who wrote it, is “Silly Love Songs” by Paul McCartney because it...it...how do I find the words...it just sucks . And so does “My Love,” wherein Paul, apparently too busy to write actual words, goes with:
    Wo wo wo wo
    Wo wo wo wo
    My love does it good!
    The big question is: What happened to Paul? Did his brain get taken over by aliens from the Planet Twinkie? I mean, he was a Beatle , for goshsakes, a certified genius , a man who wrote dozens of truly great songs, including such butt-kicking rockers as “I’m Down,” and then for some mysterious reason he began cranking out songs like “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” “Listen to What the Man Said,” and “Let ’Em In,” which expresses this powerful and universal theme:
    Someone’s knockin’ at the door
    Somebody’s ringin’ the bell
    Someone’s knockin’ at the door
    Somebody’s ringin’ the bell
    Do me a favor, open the door
    And let ’em in
    Paul also got a number of votes in the Bad Song Survey for one line in “Live and Let Die”: “But if this ever-changing world in which we live in...” Mr. McCartney, step up and receive your Certificate of Redundancy Certificate!
    Not to keep picking on Paul, but, he also co-sang on another truly bad love song, “The Girl Is Mine,” with (speaking of aliens) Michael Jackson. This is the one wherein Michael, needing a romantic, tender two-syllable adjective to describe the girl he loves, came up with:
    The girl is mine
    The doggone girl is mine
    Fine piece of writing, Michael! Reminds me of Cole Porter! (“I’ve got you under my skin, doggone it!”)
    Michael Jackson was of course married for several sincere and meaningful minutes to Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis. The King sang all kinds of wonderful songs, including “Do the Clam,” and in his early hit “All Shook Up” sang what I consider to be one of the finest expressions of love in all of music:
    I’m proud to say
    She’s my buttercup
    Yes, love is a beautiful thing, but when love goes bad, it can be a terribly painful thing. I will close this chapter by quoting from a song that, in the opinion of some survey voters, most eloquently captures this pain. The song is “Backfield in Motion,” recorded in the 1960s by Mel and Tim, who conveyed the anguish, the despair, the loss, and the heartache of the jilted lover as follows:
    I caught you with your backfield in motion, yeah
    I’m gonna have to penalize you
    Backfield in motion
    Baby you know that’s against the rules!
    1 Steve also got a number of Bad Song votes for “Take the Money and Run,” in which, in a single verse, he rhymes “Texas,” “facts is,” “justice,” and “taxes.” But we can forgive Steve for any bad lyrics he wrote because he also wrote “The Joker,” thereby guaranteeing that thousands of years from now, people will still be wondering what the hell a “pompatus” is.

Songs Women Really Hate
    “I Want a BRAVE Man, I Want a CAVE Man”
     
     
    I decided to devote a chapter to songs that women really hate because—follow me closely here—the Bad Song Survey indicated that there are certain songs that women really hate.
    A prime example is “Dreams of the Everyday Housewife,” which was recorded by Glen Campbell and features these lyrics:
    She picks up her apron in little-girl