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state line, his
fury slowly draining at the wheel, and hadn't reported to work until
around eight o'clock that evening. He'd been gone all afternoon, and
this fact hadn't rung any bells with Nalen until now.
    "Look," Nalen said, "we're all under enormous strain. Let's just
forget about it, okay?"
    "Okay."
    "Go home, Hughie."
    "I'll sneak downstairs and take a nap."
    "Go home. You're exhausted."
    "I'm fine."
    "You're gonna make a mistake. You're not alert."
    "All right." Hughie hung his head.
    "And remember, my door's always open."
    Nalen watched him shuffle off, thinking you could implode so subtly,
nobody would even notice.
    AROUND THREE IN THE MORNING, NALEN PARKED HIS DODGE
    Challenger in the driveway and crossed the front yard under a full moon
that lit the toolshed and lawn chairs and made deep night seem like the
dusty moments before dawn. All the lights in the house were oft and
the door was locked. He fumbled for his keys, let himself in.
    Upstairs everybody was asleep. He crossed the moonlit hall

    into Rachel's room, leaned over her bed and inhaled her sweet scent.
Her lips parted with a bubble.
    "Daddy?" She stirred in the sheets.
    "What is it, sweetheart?"
    "Is the retarded girl in heaven now?"
    He sat on the edge of her bed, careful not to squash her feet. On her
bedside table was a box of shells from their most recent trip to the
seashore, a butterfly barrette, a Mickey Mouse key chain. "Yes," he
said, "I think she is."
    "Daddy?"
    "What, Pickle?"
    "Tell me again how you get into heaven?"
    He sighed, feeling the birdlike throb of her breath against his arm.
"A long time ago, the Greeks believed that after you died, your soul
went to heaven. And the gods put your heart on a big scale-your heart
on one side of the scale, and a feather on the other side."
    "What's the feather for?"
    She already knew, but he told her anyway. "It's the symbol for truth.
If your heart is full of lies and meanness and cruelty, it'll be much
heavier than the feather and you'll get thrown back down to earth
because you're not ready yet. But if your heart is as light as the
feather ... if it's empty of lies, and full of goodness and truth, then
the gods will open the gates and you can waltz right in."
    She wrinkled her nose. "Was the retarded girl's heart as light as a
feather?"
    "I think so, yes."
    "How about mine, Daddy?"
    Nalen kissed her cheek. "Don't worry, sweetheart. Yours is light as a
huckleberry."
    Nalen stripped in the dark, crawled between the pretzel-smelling sheets
and drew Faye close. They lay for a while like that before she spoke,
her voice scratchy with sleep. "Let's not fight."

    "No, I don't want to fight anymore."
    She was warm and tensile in his arms, moonlight from the window washing
over the strange planes of her face. "Nalen?"
    "Hi."
    "I had this dream you drove off a cliff and died."
    The room was so quiet, the clock sounded like a bass drum. "It's all
right," he said, "We're gonna be fine."
    "Are we?" Her exhausted eyes were on him. "Really?"
    "Yeah."
    "So what happened tonight?"
    "Nothing much."
    "Any suspects?"
    "Not yet."
    "Oh God, I feel sick." She rolled away from him and he lightly ran his
hand along her bumpy spine, muscles bunching beneath her musk-smelling
skin. "I almost called the precinct," she admitted.
    "Sorry. I forgot. We were swamped."
    "I hate you."
    Very gently, he stroked the nape of her neck. "No, you don't."
    "Yes, I do. I hate you."
    "Faye ..." he said, drawing out her name until it sounded like a
prayer.
    "You never listen."
    "I'm listening now."
    "No." She twisted around to face him, her worry and frustration
palpable. "You keep shutting me out. You shut us all out, Nalen."
    "No, I don't."
    "Yes, you do. You don't realize it, but you do. There are days ...
whole days where you'll say maybe two words. I don't understand
you."
    He knew what she was talking about. She was talking about

    his black moods. Whenever a black mood hit, he'd go for a walk in the