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later, two rounded, roiling
    bellies pushed
    back through the front door.
    * *
    Not that Dad didn't ask plenty of questions, worthy of answers, but how could I tell the man who turned his back on "daddy" status
    how my life had changed?
    * *
    How could I explain
    gut-wrenching insights to someone so lacking
    vision?
    * *
    How could I admit my
    part in the current melodrama to a psyche devoid of guilt?
    153
    How could I share the way my heart was breaking
    when my confessor
    didn't believe
    * * in love?
    154
     
     
     
    I
    nstead We Returned to Small Talk
     
    which is probably all we'll ever manage, all we'll ever get to, if we get to anything at all.
    * *
    We couldn't have spent more than two hours, total, within three weeks, tied up in trying to talk to each other.
    * *
    Inter-family communication
    must be an acquired skill.
    He never even asked
    * *
    if I'd gotten high before my little
    Albuquerque adventure.
    Never asked if I enjoyed
    * *
    spending time with the monster.
    He only wanted to know if Buddy and I had done the dirty, perhaps right there
    * * between his own disgusting sheets.
    His question reeked of voyeurism.
    155
    And he accepted my negative answer with a smile that meant he didn't believe a word.
    * *
    I wondered if Mom
    would have.
    156
     
     
     
    D
    ad Went Out
     
    Left me
    * *
    to
    fret
    * *
    to
    stress
    * *
    to
    cry
    * *
    to
    choke
    on
    emotion
    and
    * *
    great
    green
    nose
    clogging
    gobs
    157
    in
    sincere
    need of a good
    blow
    * *
    instead,
    I let
    the
    snot
    drip.
    158
     
     
     
    I
    Was
    Mid-Drip
     
    when Adam knocked on the door.
    I half considered pretending
    I wasn't there.
    Hurting.
    Bursting.
    Over him.
    Over this whole sorry
    pile of crap
    I'd dug myself into.
    * *
    But I wanted to see him
    more than anything.
    Needed to know
    I hadn't imagined the whole head over heels
    thing. I had to go home in a couple of days. I
    wanted to go
    still in love.
    159
    I found a paper towel, let go a mighty blow and went to let him in, even though I knew
    I must have looked
    very much like my
    dead and buried grandma.
    160
     
     
     
    Okay,
    I Looked Awful
     
    To anyone else, he probably looked worse.
    To me, he resembled an angel.
    A poor, sad, beautiful angel.
    * *
    His hurt swallowed mine, like space swallows time, and the two intertwine.
    We tangled together
     
    I'm sorry.
     
    Me too.
     
    I'm just so confused.
     
    Ditto.
     
    I do know I love you.
     
    Ditto
    squared.
    161
     
     
     
    So
    of Course I Did a Really Stupid Thing
     
    He pulled a bindle from his pocket, tapped the sparkly powder inside.
     
    Cooked up fresh yesterday.
     
    * *
    Mother Kristina said no.
    The monster stormed Bree's door.
     
    That's my girl. Let's forget
    the bullshit and
    fly.
     
    * *
    We soared through the night, well beyond daylight.
     
    Funny thing about the monster.
     
     
    The worse he treats you,
    the more you love him.
     
    * *
    I knew already that had to be true.
    Blood geysered in my veins.
    Thoughts stampeded across my
    brain. Together, ecstasy.
     
    You are the most incredible girl.
     
     
    I never believed someone like you
     
     
    would fall for someone like me.
     
     
    But are you Kristina? Or Bree?
     
    162
    At the moment, all Bree.
    "Kristina is who they made me.
    Bree is who I choose to be. How
    'bout you? Adam or Buddy?"
     
    With you, I am Adam.
     
     
    And you are my beautiful
     
     
    Eve. Let's run away,
    find our garden, live there
     
     
    together, happy. Naked.
     
    163
     
     
     
    A
    dam
     
    took me in his arms
    kisses melting
    hurt, forgotten ice
    Unhurried hands lifted
    my shirt
     
    Pump. Pump. Pump
     
    Passion rose up in my heart and a bit farther south
    * *
    The monster-fueled
    inferno built
    thigh to belly button
    Adam's mouth moved
    lower, inch by trembling inch
    I was ready to do it oh, so ready.
    right that very instant.
    164
     
     
     
    B
    ut First I Had to Pee
     
    Passing the mirror,
    I chanced a glance at Bree, crank embers glowing behind dilated black windows.
    She