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together.
    The sense of touch can convey messages that words cannot. Don’t wait for your child to reach out to you; embrace him or her first. Internalized homophobia or fear that you will respond in a homophobic manner may stop your child from reaching out for physical comfort. Your child may be afraid that you will reject his or her affection. I think it is very important for parents to hug, hold and kiss their children at some point during the coming out discussion. Touch communicates so many things. It reinforces loving words. It demonstrates that you are not disgusted or ashamed and that you don’t see your child as an outcast.
    Spend “normal” time together. If you and your child talk on the phone regularly, continue to do so. If you live far away, make an effort to visit. Plan activities that you can do together that you both enjoy. Spending time with your child is a reassurance of your commitment. When a person first comes out, being gay subsumes all other aspects of identity. It can seem as if every action, every moment, is a gay action, a gay moment. Eventually, sexual orientation will become integrated with all other aspects of personality. Until then, it is a swollen andtender part of the psyche. Taking part in ordinary activities together will remind both of you that, on a day-to-day basis, little has changed.
    Do what you can to engender trust and transparency throughout your son’s or daughter’s coming out process. It is important to check in periodically by asking about how things are going with your child’s peers. Be watchful of peer acceptance and rejection. If your child appears depressed or if someone important has responded in a cruel or rejecting way, be alert for signs of self-harm or suicidal thinking. If you believe your son or daughter has suicidal thoughts or if s/he withdraws, begins or increases alcohol or drug use or engages in high risk activities that have the potential to be self-destructive, don’t hesitate to confront him or her. Asking a child about thoughts of self-injury does not put the idea into his or her head nor does it increase the risk of suicide. When in doubt about your child’s safety, seek help from a mental health professional or from your child’s primary care physician.
    You don’t have to say the right thing all the time to be a good parent, but you do have to be willing to apologize when you get it wrong and say something hurtful. You also must be able to talk about homosexuality until you and your child have settled on firm ground. Don’t make the mistake of waiting for your child to resume a conversation that was cut short due to a misunderstanding. Don’t let your child distance him or herself from you or s/he might decide that distance is the best way to handle the relationship. Initiate the conversation and keep it going until you get it right.
    What does it mean to get it right with your gay child? This is discussed in more detail in the next chapter.

Chapter 6
Getting It Right When You Can’t Agree
    I f every parent of a gay child believed that homosexuality was as natural and unremarkable as heterosexuality, parents would not be troubled by doubt and their children would enjoy their parents’ enthusiastic support. However, some parents, even after reading this book and attending PFLAG meetings, will continue to believe that homosexuality is a sin or is unnatural. This is not ideal, but in some cases it is reality. You don’t want to disappoint your child, but you don’t want to lie about your beliefs either. You want to comfort your son or daughter, but you don’t want to encourage a gay lifestyle.
    I think there is another way to help your child feel good about him or herself for those parents who just can’t accept homosexuality. The preservation of the parent-child relationship does not depend upon conforming to each other’s beliefs. Many children adopt political affiliations, spiritual beliefs, childrearing practices, etc., in opposition