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to their parents. It’s to be expected. Differences like these don’t destroy relationships. People destroy relationships.
    A difference of opinion about your child’s sexual orientation is not the same as a difference of opinion about politics. Generally, people aren’t discriminated against due to political affiliation, but your child may be discriminated against due to his or her sexual orientation. There is also the issue of identity. Politically, people usually identify asRepublican or Democrat, but it’s a chosen identity. Regarding sexual orientation, identity takes on a much richer meaning. Your child will think of his or her sexual orientation the way s/he thinks of his or her arms and legs: It’s just a part of him or her.
    I think that you can disagree about homosexuality without doing irreparable damage to your son or daughter or to your relationship with your child, but you need to disagree respectfully, humbly and in a restrained manner.
    Next, I offer tips about managing differences of opinion with your children. Some are unique to handling differences of opinion about homosexuality. If you take these to heart, I think you can still have a good relationship with your gay child even if you struggle with accepting homosexuality.
            •   Accept your child. Give up any desire to change him or her.
                       People can’t change because you want them to change, even if they think you’re right and they’re wrong, even if they love you and want desperately to make you happy, even if you threaten them, bribe them, cajole them or manipulate them. Change doesn’t work that way. People can alter their behavior to please, placate or avoid punishment and they can hide or bury parts of themselves for great lengths of time, but that isn’t the same as changing. Pretending to be someone different is painful and consumes a great deal of energy. There is only one reason that people change and that is because they want to change.
                       People can change, such as the alcoholic who gives up drinking or the criminal who forfeits his old ways for the straight and narrow, but lasting, transformative change occurs under certain conditions: The change must be desired, it must be separate from any external forces and it must be possible. Gays can alter behavior, but they cannot change to whom they are attracted; it is not possible.
                       My mother says, “You can’t change anyone and it’s cruel to try.” This statement is particularly true when a parent asks a child to stop being gay. The greater the love between two people, the crueler it is to demand change, because though love cannot produce change, it can compel a strong person to suffer beyond measure, to bend until broken. You don’thave to agree with your child’s sexual or gender orientation to accept him or her. You just have to recognize and respect that you can’t and shouldn’t try to alter this about your child.
            •   Don’t give uninvited advice.
                       An adolescent or young adult needs to arrive at his or her identity without intrusion, especially intrusion from those s/he might feel obligated to please. You don’t own your son or daughter nor are you responsible for his or her choices. For successful maturation, your child needs the freedom to choose his or her own values and find his or her own way.
                       Successful parent-adult child relationships depend on the ability of parents to transition from teaching and controlling their children to respecting and honoring their choices. This transition should begin early and pick up in adolescence. The best indicator that parents have completed the transition is whether they give advice without being asked or only when solicited.
            •   Take a firm stand against discrimination and