Beware of God

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Book: Read Beware of God for Free Online
Authors: Shalom Auslander
a string through the two holes and tie the ends together.
    James Caan is Jewish. He was Sonny in the movie The Godfather .
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    Art Garfunkel from Simon and Garfunkel looks a lot like Sonny, and he’s also Jewish.
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    Mercedes and BMW used Jewish prisoners from Buchenwald to build their cars.
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    So did Ford.
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    Bayer gave chemicals to Josef Mengele to use for the experiments he was doing to the Jews. He would cut your leg open and put dirt and pieces of glass into the cut just to see what happened to you.
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    Jews shouldn’t buy Mercedes or BMWs. Or Fords.
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    Sometimes, though, we buy Bayer aspirin.
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    Deena’s parents have two Mercedes and a pool. Last year, her sister and mother both had nose jobs.
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    Deena also wants a nose job but her mother says not until she’s sixteen.
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    My mother says nose jobs are for people who are ashamed to be Jewish.
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    If you put double-sided tape around the top of your penis and pull the skin up around it, you can tell the Nazis that you’re not a Jew.
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    During the Inquisition, thousands of Jews were murdered simply for refusing to convert to Christianity.
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    â€œAnd now,” says Rabbi Brier, “you’re going to violate the Shabbos?”
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    Houdini was also Jewish. His real name was Erich Weiss. He was an escape artist. One time they locked him in a box and put him underwater and he still managed to escape. The box was even locked from the outside.
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    They called him the King of Handcuffs.
    To make yourself look like a Nazi, you can dye your hair blond. Your hair will still be black underneath, so you’re not really assimilating.
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    After Kristallnacht, 30,000 Jews were put on cattle cars and sent to concentration camps. Many people suffocated before they even got there.
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    When they put you in a cattle car, try to get a spot near a window.
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    Cattle cars are locked from the outside.
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    Houdini’s father was a rabbi. He had his own synagogue in Wisconsin.
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    When the cattle car comes to a stop, the Nazis will make you get out. If you are sick, they will send you to the death camps; if you are healthy, they will send you to the work camps.
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    You need to be in good shape for the Holocaust.
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    Houdini ran ten miles every day.
    Bruce Lee ran six miles every day. For meals he mixed milk, eggs, meat and the blood of cows in a blender.
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    If you’re kosher you can’t have meat in your milkshake.
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    A famous rabbi was taken from his home by the Nazis and sent to a slave labor camp. The Nazis decided to make an example of him. In front of all the Jews, they took him outside and ordered him to eat a piece of nonkosher meat or they would kill him. “I will not eat this meat,” the rabbi said. The Nazis shot him in the head.
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    â€œAnd you,” says Rabbi Brier, “you want to eat a cheeseburger.”
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    Fifty thousand Jews were murdered in Austria. Three hundred thousand Jews were murdered in Romania. One hundred and forty thousand Jews were murdered in Germany. Three million Jews were murdered in Poland.
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    Kevin’s family is originally from Poland.

    H OW TO MAKE A BOMB FROM A TENNIS BALL :

Drill a hole in the tennis ball.
Fill the tennis ball with lots of broken-off match heads.
When you throw the ball, the match heads rub together and ignite, and the ball explodes.
    Sandy Koufax was a Jew. He was a pitcher for the Dodgers.
    Q: How do you know if the firing squad is Polish?
    A: They’re standing in a circle.
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    One way to survive a firing squad is to fall into the ditch just a split second before the Nazis start shooting. Then, just wait until dark and climb out.
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    A lot of the people in the Holocaust movies moan and groan in the pit; if you do that they’ll come over and shoot you, so just be quiet and act dead.
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    Bruce Lee could kill a man three different ways with just one blow:
A karate punch to the

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