Are We Live?

Read Are We Live? for Free Online

Book: Read Are We Live? for Free Online
Authors: Marion Appleby
News 24

Not my fault
    News anchor:   To autonomy, and onto the French …National Assembly …has adopted …must approve …the measures before …erm, a constitutional review, ah, panel …I’m sorry, this story is …absolute …erm …nonsense. I’ll continue with some headlines for you.

    BBC World Report
I give up

    ‘I really do apologize to both of you. It really is a complete shambles tonight.’
    Jeremy Paxman, to his studio and non-studio interviewees, during some telephone-based trouble
Not right now
    In 2009, football fans missed the only goal in the Merseyside FA Cup derby when ITV cut to the break during extra time. The last-minute goal meant Liverpool were knocked out of the cup, but both Everton and Liverpool fans failed to see it when an automated system (which controls when commercials are broadcast) overrode transmission of the game. Football fans were, understandably, rather furious.

The SHIT Awards
    Other times it’s the presenters and the production staff whose dozy antics lead to disaster. At the, now infamous, BRIT Awards in 1989, songwriting genius Mick Fleetwood and pint-size glamour model Samantha Fox delivered what has to be one of the worst presenting jobs in television history.

    Although proceedings began well enough with a live performance from Gloria Estefan, it soon became apparent that the 5’1” Fox and 6’5” Fleetwood not only looked wrong on stage together, they also appeared monumentally uncomfortable presenting a live show. Indulging in some cringe-worthy ad-libbing and unable to hide the catalogue of continuity, technical and autocue errors that plagued the entire broadcast, Fleetwood and Fox also managed to announce the wrong winners and introduce the wrong guests.

    The event was duly pre-recorded for the following eighteen years.
Steady Eddie
    Sometimes it’s the presenters, and not the production staff, who are responsible for the technical mishaps.

    In 2010, during the presentation of a Samsung 50” HD-ready plasma TVon QVC in the UK, the presenter decided to show how hardy (he thought) the television was by punching it square in the screen.

    Proclaiming that his nephew Hugh had ‘put the hand controller from his wii straight through the screen of his LCD telly’, the presenter, somewhat naively, added, ‘you won’t find that so much with a plasma TV’. After bashing his fist hard three times onto the TV, the sound of glass shattering could be heard, along with the presenters claim that, ‘Oh, I’ve broken it …I think it’s because I’ve done it so many times today.’ I wonder how many of those TVs they managed to shift after that …

    ‘Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.’
    WOODY ALLEN
A ghost in the machine
    Sometimes it’s difficult to point the finger of blame. Especially when the cameras aren’t controlled by humans …

    A basketball report by a sportscaster in New England was interrupted when his newsdesk shuddered and began to emit strange noises. The noise was coming from a huge studio floor camera, which appeared to be moving of its own accord. It turned out it was a robotic camera with a mind of its own – it was out of control, and eventually ploughed into the news readers’ desk, pushing them both completely out of shot. Maybe it didn’t like basketball?

LANGUAGE PROBLEMS
MOUTH MALFUNCTIONS

    Whether it’s inadvertently letting a swear rip live on air, or getting their tongues tied up in knots, spare a thought for the presenters and newscasters who sometimes don’t say what they mean.

Fluffing It Up
    There’s no chance of a second take during a live recording – bad news for the tongue-tied!

Malapropisms
    Malapropism: n. Also, malaprop: ‘The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar-sounding one, often with unintentionally amusing effect.’ Such as:

    ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we now bring you, from Salt Lake City, the famous Moron Tablenacker Choir.’
    Canadian radio announcer

    ‘I

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