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Da would have no time
for it, with work and minding us. Even with our help, he still
had an awful lot to do, and I would worry a lot. I would talk to
the angels on the way to school about all that was happening
at home. They would tell me not to worry, that Mum would get
better.
    Da would get us up early in the morning and get us ready for
school; we would help make our breakfast and sandwiches for
lunch. My sister and I would help to look after my younger
brother and sisters and we would clean the house and set the
table for dinner. There was very little money and Da had the
additional expense of the bus to and from the hospital, so a lot
of the time when Mum was sick we didn't eat dinner – we lived
on crackers and cheese.
    While we were in Ballymun Mum had two more children,
both boys, called Cormac and Dillon. Now there were seven of
us children – all under twelve. Things were tough. At one stage
Da went to England to work and he seemed to be gone for
months. So, again, there were no vegetables grown and the
garden went wild. I used to talk to the angels about how I
missed Da and how sad it was that he had to go away.
    I always remember the day Da arrived back home
unexpectedly. The angels told me to look out the window
and I could see him walking down the road towards the
house, wearing an overcoat and hat and carrying his case. I
noticed how handsome my Da looked: it was as if I expected
him to look old, much older than he had looked when he
went away, but he actually looked so young – which he was,
only in his early thirties. I was so happy; I ran down the stairs
as fast as I could and told Mum. I hid behind her as she
opened the door to welcome him home.We were all so happy
that day.
    Da had to go out and start to look for work again
immediately, but he did start working on the garden and we all
helped. I always loved helping my Da and I loved growing
vegetables; pulling the weeds away from around them and
asking the angels to help them to grow. I desperately wanted
to help more, but when you are so small how much can you do
on your own? Often I would cry with frustration at not being
able to do more, but I would try to make sure that no one saw
me by going around the back of the garden shed.
    I used to play a lot with the family across the road from us in
the cul-de-sac: they were a big family like ours and I was very
friendly with the middle child, Alice, who was about the same
age as me. Their Da was away a lot working in England and
their Mum worked very hard, both outside and inside the
home. Their father came home every few months, but one day
the angels told me that his next trip home would be his last,
because he was going to Heaven.
    I felt so sad. Things changed: I no longer wanted to go over
to my friend's house to play in her garden. I distanced myself,
but I did my best to make sure that no one would notice,
especially Alice. Then one day at home the angels said, 'In a
few days we will tell you to go over to Alice's house, and you
will need to go over.'
    Three days later I was told. I took a big, deep breath and went
out of my own hall door, walked straight across the road
through the side gate of Alice's house, around the back and
knocked on the kitchen door. Alice's mother opened the door. I
looked straight into the kitchen; it seemed darker than usual.
Alice and one of her brothers were there, and she turned and
gave me a big smile. I took a few steps inside the door; I didn't
want to go any further. Alice told me excitedly that her dad was
coming home, and coming home for good, that he had finally
found a job in Ireland. She was so excited. I felt so confused –
happy for her, and yet inside my heart was crying. I knew that
her mother and father had been hoping for a long time that he
would get a job in Ireland, and could come home. Now he had
one, but he wasn't going to live to enjoy it. I asked Alice to come
and play with me in my house as I didn't want to stay in her's.
    Later that day I