Read Why We Suck for Free Online Page B

first, apparently she thought "one day at a time" was meant to be taken literally. Thirty days in thirty different rehab centers in thirty different cities. Hey-she spent most of her life on tour, so can you really blame her?
        
ICE CREAM
        
        You scream I scream we all scream.
        Yup. One of the first food items welcomed back onto the streets of Afghanistan after the fall of Osama et al. was-you guessed it-ice cream.
        Even terrorists love it.
        And we have the best.
        Hands down.
        Hence-one very simple reason for them to hate us even more.
        Hдagen-Dazs.
        Ben and Jerry's.
        Maybe that's the key to peace on earth.
        Instead of dropping bombs we drop half pints of Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia and good old just plain chocolate.
        Somebody get the Dove Bar people on the phone.
        
ANGELINA JOLIE
        
        Okay. It's not just Angelina.
        It's Angelina and Madonna and Rosie and Meg Ryan and whoever else in the female acting world fits the following requirements:    
            Fame
            Cash
            Raging hormones
            A private jet
        
        That's it. That's all you need. Those four simple items will allow you to fly into any Third World country and scoop up a black or brown or yellow baby, sign a couple of autographs and then head on home.
        Where you can name the kid according to whatever whim strikes you. No need to adhere to the kid's actual ethnic or national background.
        Chinese boy? Name him Johnny Boy.
        African girl? Name her Ellen.
        Totally up to you.
        Now I have a cousin who adopted a Chinese kid years ago and named her Colleen. Which is well within her rights as the adoptive mom. But she wasn't famous or rich and didn't have a private plane so it took her THREE GODDAM YEARS to pull the whole thing off.
        And why is it always white actresses flying in and scooping up?
        Oprah flew into Africa in a private plane-with cash and fame and more than likely a SHITLOAD of raging hormones-and she started a school for African kids.
        Why aren't black actresses flying into piss-poor white countries and nabbing parentless little pink children and jetting them back to the Hollywood Hills?
        Grab a so-white-he's-almost-transparent white boy out of the Belfast slums of Northern Ireland, jet him off to a mansion in Bel Air and call him Jamal. Or Kaleel.
        Never happen.
        And you wanna know why?
        'Cause caustic see-thru white kids with new names don't make for good press.
        OR fashionable appearances.
        I think a lot of these kids are like Gucci purses or Jimmy Choo shoes-not only are they cutting-edge accessories.
        They're on sale.
        
THE WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB DOG SHOW
        
        We've already discussed what most of our household pets are considered in other countries.
        Throw in a full week's worth of dogs that have personal groomers and personal trainers and individual walkers and their own hotel rooms?
        Death on a leash to a terrorist.
        
DR. LAURA AND MIKE AND MIKE IN THE MORNING
        
        I like Dr. Laura.
        I really do.
        Besides the dirty pictures she took when she was young and foolish (and let's face the fact-weren't we all) in which she is actually very hot, she has grown up to piss people off. And by people I mean the morons with cell phone service who call up to complain about how their mom won't listen or their boyfriend doesn't wanna have sex anymore or their husbands want dinner on the table at such and such a time and her in a pink thong and high heels and they feel like they are not appreciated and blah blah blah and Dr. Laura comes thisclose to calling each one of them a whiny, self-obsessed, deaf and dumbass bitch. Over and over again. Which is what I wanna say when I listen