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smoked weed and tried blow and had casual sex while in college and maybe even beyond. In other words-they were fairly normal, just like the rest of us. No blow, no booze, no weed, no sex? Guess what? No federal matching funds. You want my vote? Show me some pictures of you in a rum punch-stained bedsheet at a college toga party. Forget some bullshit behind-the-scenes-developed middle-of-the-road policy on stem cell research or the future of the Middle East-I want to hear how many Twinkies you ate after the Halloween bong hit competition during your sophomore fall term.
        Now Bush Junior apparently performed many of these actual tasks but decided to cover all of them up. No dice, folks. You gotta be proud of them. Cut to the chase and avoid all the bullshit. Like Obama. Did he do blow. Yup. How do we know. He told us. Weed too. Now that's the kind of candidate I like. Made mistakes. Owns up. Probably also wore ridiculous pants and had shitty haircuts too. Get the point?
        Forget your grade point average and your congressional voting record-I want Polaroids of your ass etc. on display during some drug-and-sex-fueled youthful indiscretion. And we wanna see them in People magazine. DURING the campaign. Released by your own staff. Make it personal-not presidential. One of the great things about JFK was the fact that he was funny. As was Reagan. As was Clinton. And if the leader of this country doesn't find his job funny-believe me, we're fucked.
        
KATIE COURIC'S EVENING NEWS
        
        The day of her debut as a network news anchor her third story from the lead was about Tom Cruise's baby.
        She led with a report about the war in Iraq.
        The second story dealt with the skyrocketing price of gas at pumps across the country.
        And then-Tom Cruise's baby.
        Poverty? Nope.
        Genocide in Darfur? Not yet.
        A possible cure for cervical cancer in preteen American girls?
        Nope.
        Tom Cruise's baby.
        That's what the news has come down to in this country-with minor variations on any given night:
        
MONDAY
        
        Wildfires continue to rage in Southern California.
        President Bush to visit the Middle East.
        Gwyneth Paltrow chokes on a raisin.
        
TUESDAY
        
        Hurricane Carole set to hit the Florida coast.
        Mitt Romney wins Republican primary in Michigan.
        Nicole Kidman's face doesn't move.
        That's all I'm asking for-throw in a curveball. I know that no one in America is really reporting vital facts and true information anymore. It's all showbiz. Anderson Cooper only looks forward to being live on location in New Orleans or Malibu so he can climb out of a monkey suit and wear a tight-fitting T-shirt that shows off his pecs-so let's have some fun with it all. Make some shit up that catches us off guard or-even better-makes us laugh.
        And you wonder why half of the audience gets their news from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart?
        
THE DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE
        
        Most of the people on this planet have massive problems finding enough food to eat, yet we not only throw away more food in the course of a single day than they might see in their entire life spans-we also have obese pets. And books about obese pets. And sidebar segments on national news programs about how to put your obese pets on a weight-loss/ workout regimen. Meanwhile-most of these pets that are eating too much dog and cat food actually ARE food in other parts of the world-so while we are desperately trying to slim them down there are families of eight in Africa who are dreaming of roasting them on a rusty spit over an open flame. They hate us and our pets. We make no sense to them.
        Not to mention The Food Channel.
        
FIFTEEN-MINUTE ABS
        
        A lot of people on planet Earth spend every waking hour of each and every day "working out"-walking