Read Uses for Boys for Free Online

open my eyes in the darkness and focus: in and out, in and out.
    Now Todd’s here, sitting by the side of the bed. His hand is on my arm. Then Delmi’s
     back, shooing him out. “Leave her alone, Todd,” she says.
    Later he’s back. My head sticks out from the blanket. I fight against the spinning
     bed. His profile in the darkness. My shirt bunches around me.
    He pulls down the covers and I laugh. But he tugs at my shirt and pinches my bare
     nipple. Hard. I cover my chest.
    He climbs on the bed.
    I make noises. “Stop.” I’m trying to locate him in the darkness. It’s as though I
     didn’t say anything.
    Delmi, I think. She’ll make it stop.
    “Delmi,” I say but it’s less than a squeak. My heart beats in my ears. I can’t hear
     him. I can’t see him in the darkness. I can’t remember what he looks like. His hands
     are like attacks. I say things but even I can’t hear what I’m saying and finally I
     push hard against his arm so he knows I’m here. “Stop,” I say. “It’s me,” I say. I
     want him to see me. He pushes harder and something rips and I feel a burning. I stop
     moving. I’m so still. I’m so still. Only the thumping in my ears.
    I think he might care what I want but he doesn’t.
    He pulls down my underwear and pushes my legs open, holds them with his knees. My
     knee is screaming. He’s digging into my thighs and I’m twisted and he’s pulling my
     nipple and everything hurts and then suddenly he lets go. He puts on a condom and
     then he covers my mouth with one sweaty hand. Why? I wasn’t even saying anything.
    He pulls at my thighs. He pushes. He fits himself inside me. His knuckles between
     my legs. All of his weight on my knee. It’s going to break. I hold my breath. All
     I can hear is his breathing and my heartbeat and then suddenly he stops.
    I pull my arms away and cover my ears so I don’t have to hear his ragged breath. I
     close my eyes so tight it hurts. He takes his hand off my mouth and wipes himself
     on the sheet. I think he’s going to kiss me but I have vomit on my face. He doesn’t.
     He’s going to say something. My eyes are closed but I loosen my hands over my ears.
     He pushes off the bed and stands up.
    “Don’t tell anyone,” he says.

 
    secret
    I’m in the hot backseat, driving back to Portland with my mom and her boyfriend. The
     boyfriend’s driving and the back of his head curves over the front seat like a rising
     planet. He has a full head of hair. The first stepfather was balding and the second,
     thinning, so, in terms of hair, my mom’s moving up. Her own hair keeps getting lighter.
     It’s so blond now, I can see right through it.
    The boyfriend turns on the radio and sings along. He has a terrible voice. Even my
     mom rolls her eyes. I tap her on the shoulder and point at the sign to EATZ CAFE. I have to go to the bathroom. The boyfriend’s hungry too, he says, and we pull over.
    I’m wearing the same shorts as the night at Delmi’s, but with a baggy T-shirt and
     moccasins. I wear the moccasins every day now. There’s a bruise on my thigh that the
     shorts don’t cover. I didn’t tell Delmi.
    “Did he come back?” she said when I saw her the next morning.
    “He tried to kiss me,” I started and already I’m telling the story and it’s changing
     in the telling. In this version he liked me.
    But she’s not listening and I never have a chance to tell the story, even to myself.
     And so I don’t tell anyone. I want Todd to know that. And then I am telling it to
     myself. And in this version it’s our secret.
    There’s a line for the bathroom and I’m behind a fat woman in shorts and dirty flip-flops.
     She tugs at her ponytail with one hand and holds her son by the neck with the other.
     She watches herself in the mirror. We’re all looking at ourselves, lined up in front
     of the mirror. Ahead of her is a girl, younger than me and beautiful. Innocent. I
     look at her, still thinking about Todd. Her long, long