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the Ant said. “At all.”
    â€œShut up,” I suggested sweetly, and began.

CHAPTER
    FOUR
    THE TEN COMMANDMENTS REMIX
    Because It’s the Twenty-first Century Already, Come On
    Big Number One: Thou shalt have no other gods before God. Whether that’s God, Jesus, Jehovah, Allah, Yahweh, Elohim, Hu, Ishvara, Nirankar, Shiva . . . whatever spiritual being in your life you pray to.
    That means your cellulite-free thighs aren’t your god. Network ratings aren’t your god, a fixed mortgage rate isn’t your god. Your stock portfolio isn’t your god, or your stylist, or your brand-new phone. None of those stupid material things are your god. Clear? Great. Moving on.
    *   *   *
    Number Two: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in Heavenabove, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
    See number one: no other gods before
the
God. So don’t make a statue of whatever you’re worshipping instead of your god. The earth is cluttered enough.
    *   *   *
    Number Three: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
    Don’t throw around the big guy’s name like it’s meaningless. It’s the opposite of meaningless. It’s full of meaning! Look, I get it: we live(d) in a world where third graders drop f-bombs. I know you’re gonna do it. You know you’re gonna do it. I blasphemed eight times before lunch. Just . . . try not to. Or at least cut back. It’s not unreasonable to show a little respect to your creator.
    (I dunno, I get that God says these sins are all equally awful, but I’m having trouble punishing the guy who lived a good life but shrieked “Jesus Christ!” when his daughter came home with four piercings, with the same intensity as the serial killer who slashed his way through an Atlantic City Laundromat.)
    *   *   *
    Number Four: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
    God rested on the seventh day, and so should you. What, resting’s good enough for God but you’re above it? Your compost won’t mulch itself? (That’s what you do with compost, right? Mulch it?) There will never be a better time to micromanage your children as they clean their rooms? Ah . . . no. This commandment is like your mom’s nap-time rules: you might not feel tired, but you are. So just rest already and when you get up you can have cookies.
    *   *   *
    Number Five: Honor thy father and thy mother.
    Hey, they made you! And most of the time, after making you they took care of you: they put a roof over your helpless, diaper-soiling head and fed you and basically gave up a huge chunk of their lives for you (what, you thought they loved
The Lego Movie
as much as you did? they didn’t; that movie sucked), and the least you can do is not be a shit about it. (All right, the least you can do is nothing.) Yes, they’re annoying. Yes, they can’t quite get the hang of seeing you as an adult even if you’re wearing bifocals. But come on. They made you.
    And some parents are utter shits. They just are. My friend Jessica’s, for example; her dad molested her and her mom knew and didn’t care. So “honor thy father and thy mother” is getting a somewhat looser interpretation in cases like that: don’t kill ’em. No matter how much you dream about it. No matter how much you’re sure they’ve got it coming. You think it’ll fix things? It’ll make your life better? It won’t. So. Come on. They made you.
    *   *   *
    Number Six: Thou shalt not kill.
    Really a no-brainer on this one. There are aggravating people in the world. (Me, for example.) There are terrible asshats in the world. (Sometimes also me.) That has always been true. There are people so depraved and violent and dangerous that the world is