Read Undead and Unforgiven for Free Online Page A

actually better once they’re dead. But don’t kill them. Not your call.
    (Murder disclaimers: Self-defense is fine. War is sometimes fine. Protecting loved ones is fine. A situation that encompasses all three is fine. In this case, “fine” means, okay, it was wrong, but let’s take a look at the extenuatingcircumstances and see if we can cut you a break. Welcome to a kinder, gentler Hell!)
    *   *   *
    Number Seven: Thou shalt not commit adultery.
    C’mon, it’s not asking too much to expect you to keep it in your pants. You’re married; that means you’ve acknowledged that you caught your limit. You promised each other and the priest or minister or judge or aunt who was ordained by the Internet that you wouldn’t bang anyone else. So: don’t bang anyone else. Easy. (Rather:
don’t
be easy.) If you need it? If your life will be over if you don’t fuck that particular person? Get a divorce. Then bang away, baby.
    *   *   *
    Number Eight: Thou shalt not steal.
    Another no-brainer. That shit doesn’t belong to you. Leave it alone. There’s really no explaining to be done here, no loopholes. Murdering a serial killer is one thing, but stealing your neighbor’s newspaper is something else. Plus, what were you thinking? You can read it on the Internet for free!
    *   *   *
    Number Nine: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
    Don’t lie about him or her. Don’t make up crap to get them in trouble. Yeah, they only mow their giant lawn about once a month. And their dog is constantly escaping just long enough to leave a major dump on your lawn. They call the cops every time you have a party, not because of the noise, but because they’re pissed you didn’t invite them. All those dead cars parked on the lawn they never mow are bringing down the value of your home. And you
know
they’re the ones who fill up your recycling bins with their old newspapers.
    Irrelevant. For whatever reason, that’s your home. You have to take the good (the ice cream truck always starts on your block!) with the bad (the ice cream truck runs late because it has to avoid hitting the neighbor’s dog). Suck it up, buttercup.
    *   *   *
    Number Ten: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.
    C’mon, this isn’t the seventies and you’re not throwing a key party. Don’t be coveting: not his/her spouse, ox,
or
butt. Sometimes it’s hard not to be jealous, especially when your neighbors have the bad taste to flaunt their good fortune: “Gosh, don’t you think everyone should be driving electric cars? If people
really cared
about the environment, they’d find the money somehow.” Yeah, yeah, go plug yourself, you smug jerk.
    Just . . . try to cut them a little slack. Remember, fifty thousand years ago if you didn’t play nicely with your neighbors, death came a lot quicker. These days it’s not death you have to worry about so much as intense annoyance. But you never know when you’ll need them. So be nice. Or at least don’t be terrible.
    *   *   *
    Addendum:
    â€œAnd on the eighth day the Lord said, ‘Ye have done well in mine eyes; go ye forth to all the malls of the land and shoe you well with the shoes of designers. And avoid ye knockoffs, for if ye adorn thyself with such thou shalt know naught but blisters.’”
    Yeah, I know: uproar. Can’t blame a gal for trying.

CHAPTER
    FIVE
    â€œOkay . . . that’s not . . .
completely
terrible.” Whoa. From the Ant, that was high praise. “Except for the shoe addendum. That’s just stupid.”
    â€œIt is not! Okay, it’s a little dumb. But give me a