Read Truly Tasteless Jokes Two for Free Online

vibrators?
Toys for twats.
    *
    The elementary school lesson for the day was The Farm. “All right, children,” said the teacher, “who can tell me the name of the big building all the animals sleep in?”
    “The barn,” piped up Melissa.
    “Very good, Melissa. And who knows the name of the tall, cylindrical building next to the barn that the farmer stores the grain in?”
    “The silo,” said Susie.
    “Right, Susie. And who knows what the little metal bird up on the roof of the barn is called, class? Mark?”
    “That’s . . . uh . . . the weather-thing.”
    “Well, you’re right, Mark, it is for telling us something about the weather. But who can tell us what the exact name is, and why?”
    “It’s a weathercock,” explained Davey, “because if it were a weather cunt the wind would blow right through it.”
    *
    How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If her ankles swell up when she farts.
    *
    Why are hockey goaltenders and Polish girls alike?
They both change their pads after three periods.
    *
    Did you hear about the Italian girl who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass?
    *
    Cinderella is thrilled about her invitation to the ball, but her feelings soon turn to dismay when she realizes she has nothing but rags to wear. “Don’t worry,” says her fairy godmother, and— Poof— a beautiful gown and sparkling pair of slippers instantly appear. “But there’s a condition,” warns the godmother as Cinderella preens in front of the mirror. “You must be home by midnight or your pussy will turn into a pumpkin.”
    The dazzling Cinderella soon captures the heart of the most handsome man at the ball, and they are dancing away rapturously—until Cinderella remembers to look at her watch. “Oh my God,” she gasps. “It’s almost midnight! I must be going.” But the young man runs after her as she makes for the door, begging her to stay and insisting that she at least give him her name so that he can find her again.
    “My name is Cinderella,” she says. “What’s yours?”
    “Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,” says he.
    “Oh, in that case I’ll stay.”
    *
    Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
    The wedding itself came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.
    Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.
    “Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline, and I’ll see what I can do.”
    *
    Fred’s wife refused to wear underwear, and it drove him crazy. He didn’t think it was proper or sanitary or right, but nothing he said persuaded her to mend her ways. But when she caught a bad cold one winter, Fred had a brainstorm. Calling up the family doctor, he said, “Doc, I wish you’d come and look in on my wife; she’s got a terrible cold. And there’s something else you could do for me. You see, she’s got this terrible habit of going around without any underwear on, and if you could somehow persuade her that the cold was linked to that, why, I’d pay you double.”
    The doctor came right over and found the woman wrapped in a blanket on the living room sofa, blowing her nose. Looking down her throat, the doctor said, “Mrs. Brown, I’ll give you something for this cold . . . but if you don’t start wearing underpants, it’s going to bother you all winter.”
    “You mean to tell me, doctor,” she said, “that