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you can tell from looking down my throat that I’m not wearing panties?”
    “That’s right,” he assured her.
    “Well then, would you mind looking up my asshole and letting me know if my hat’s on straight?”
    *
    This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. “Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50.”
    “Say, was mine in the auction?” the man inquires a bit anxiously.
    “Honey, yours would’ve been too big to get in the door.”
    A couple of days later they’re lying in bed again, and the man says, “You wouldn’t believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds.”
    “Well, did you see mine?” she asks.
    “Baby,” he says, “the auction was in your pussy.”
    *
    The divorce case was an especially acrimonious one, as the wife was suing on the grounds that her husband had completely failed to satisfy her. “Frankly,” she advised the court in a stage whisper, “he was so poorly endowed—and I mean tiny—that it just wasn’t even worth the effort.”
    The sympathetic judge awarded a large cash settlement to the woman, and as she left the stand and walked past her husband, she hissed, “So long, sucker.”
    Sticking a finger in each corner of his mouth and pulling it as wide as possible, he said, “So long, bitch.”
    *
    What do soybeans and dildos have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
    *
    What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.
    *
    What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
    *
    Why is it so groovy to be a test-tube baby?
Because you’ve got a womb with a view.
    *
    Mel and Howie are frequent fishing partners, but Howie always catches more fish than Mel. One Saturday morning they’re out on the lake, and Howie’s pulled in a couple of nice-sized bass. Mel notices Howie sniffing his bait before putting it on the hook.
    “How come?” he asks his friend.
    “I have this friend who works in an autopsy room,” explains Howie, “and he slips me the cunts. They make great bait.”
    “I can see that,” says Mel. “But why do you smell them?”
    “Every so often he slips in an asshole.”
    *
    Why did a fellow trade in his wife for an outhouse?
The hole was smaller and the smell was better.
    *
    There was this girl who lived in New Jersey, and she loved it so much that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State. One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to feel up her right tit. “I bet you call this Mount Pleasant,” he said, and she smiled in assent.
    Working his hand down her ass, he asked, “And this?”
    “I call that Freehole,” said she.
    Getting hot and heavy, he maneuvered his hand around to the front. “I bet you call this Cherry Hill,” he said triumphantly.
    “Nope. That’s Eatontown.”
    *
    Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
    *
    If God hadn’t meant us to eat pussy, He wouldn’t have made it look like a taco.
    *
    Did you hear about the bride who was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries?

Homosexual
     
     
    There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven-pound baby boy. They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
    Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to