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Veronica’s ears.
    “FUCK YOU!”
    I glanced at the contraction monitor and saw that the little squiggly lines were so
     far off of the top of the page that the thing was flashing a red warning light.
    “Breathe, baby.  Just breathe.  Think about something else,” I told her.
    “I’M THINKING ABOUT SHOVING YOUR BALLS STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS, YOU SHIT HOLE!”
    Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carter and Claire standing in the doorway with
     equal looks of horror on their faces.
    “Um, so we’ll just come back later,” Claire said as she quickly darted in the room,
     scooped up Veronica, and made a mad dash back to Carter whispering, “GO, GO, GO!”
    With Veronica out of earshot, I walked over to the side of the bed and tried smoothing
     hair off of Jenny’s forehead and telling her it would be okay, but she bit off my
     hand.
    And that wasn't an exaggeration.  She literally leaned over and clamped her teeth
     around the palm of my hand.
    The doctor had showed up a few minutes later, but when he told Jenny he wasn’t the
     one with the drugs, I actually feared for the poor guy’s life.  Then he had told her
     he needed to break her water to really get things going.
    What has been happening in here for the last hour?  A mother fucking tea party?
    I really wish I could erase this part of the story because I look like a giant douchebag,
     and if I could take it back, I would.  But I guess it’s necessary for you to understand
     everything.
    The doctor had ripped open a package and pulled out what could only be described as
     a crochet hook.  It was a long stick with a hook on the end, and it instantly made
     me laugh when I looked at it.
    The doctor went to the end of the bed and asked Jenny to spread her legs.  And before
     you ask, yes, I laughed at this too.
    “Hey, hon, looks like the doctor is going to do some knitting while he’s down there
     between your legs,” I joked.  “I bet you he could make a blanket for ten people with
     all that long-ass pube hair you got going on.”
    Can you hear that?  That’s the sound of my nuts being clamped in a vice.
    After the doctor broke her water, and I apologized profusely for not shaving her ridiculously
     long pubic hair before she gave birth, it was back to the waiting game.  No, not waiting
     for the baby to be born, waiting for the god dammed drugs.
    “I don’t think we should name him Billy,” Jenny stated in between breaths as she “heeee-ed”
     and “hoooooo-ed” and “hee-hee hoo-hoo-ed” through the pain.
    “What are you talking about?” I asked her in horror as I paced back and forth over
     by the door.  My nuts still hadn’t recovered from the pubic hair crack so there was
     no way I was getting within five feet of her right now.
    “Who names their kids after a stupid movie?” she questioned as she took a big sigh
     of relief when the contraction ended.
    “You must be delirious from the pain.  That is the only excuse for the nonsense coming
     out of your mouth right now.”
    She glared at me and I instantly covered my nuts with my hands.  I wouldn’t put it
     past her to pick up the phone, yank it from the wall, and chuck it at my dong.
    “Did you just call me an idiot?” she questioned softly.
    I really should have just run right then...turned around and darted out of the hospital
     room and down the hall until I reached the ward with all the comatose patients who
     wouldn’t scream at me.
    “If it walks like a duck and talks like an idiot, then yes, yes I did,” I told her
     boldly, putting my hands on my hips.
    Mistake number two.
    Jenny’s cell phone smacked against my junk two seconds later, and I squeaked out a
     groan and clutched onto the boys.
    “Cheese and crackers!  That hurt!  Dude, Billy Madison was the first movie we ever watched together.  And it is the greatest movie of all
     time.  There is no way we are naming our son anything other than Billy.  We already
     have a Veronica, named after his hot