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teacher, Miss Veronica Vaughn.  We can’t leave
     our daughter hanging like that.  Think of the children,” I pleaded.  “Do it for the
     children.”
    “You don’t love me anymore, do you?” she wailed as tears started running down her
     cheeks and she put her head in her hands.
    Sweet Jesus what is happening right now?
    I rushed over to her bedside and wrapped my arms around her while she cried.
    “Hon, of course I love you.  Calm down,” I told her.
    “YOU FUCKING CALM DOWN!  I’M SITTING IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN UTERUS WATER!” she yelled.
    I tried to hold it in, really I did, but I couldn’t.  I dry heaved.  It was just…uterus
     water.  Water from her uterus.  She was sitting in it.  She was marinating in uterus
     fluids.
    “OH MY GOD!  DID YOU JUST GAG?” she yelled.
    I started furiously shaking my head “No”, but the damage was done.
    The anesthesiologist came in then and pushed his cart of drugs in front of him and
     I almost begged him to give me a hit of whatever he had.  I really should be numb
     from the brain down for the rest of this day before I fucked anything else up.
    The doctor let me stay in the room for the epidural and let me tell you, nothing prepares
     you for seeing a needle as long as your arm, being pushed into your wife’s spine. 
     And since she was in the middle of a contraction, all she did was sigh when it went
     in.  Until I opened my mouth.
    “Holy fuck that’s a huge needle,” I mumbled.
    Jenny glanced over at me and scowled.  Well, as much as she could anyway since she
     was hunched over her big belly as far as she could go, and a nurse was pushing down
     on her shoulders.
    “What if he moves a fraction of an inch to the left and you’re suddenly paralyzed?”
     I asked in horror.
    “Shut...Up,” Jenny muttered.
    After the epidural was firmly in place, I double checked that we had a waiver on file
     that states we would own the hospital should my wife become paralyzed.  If I was going
     to feed her mashed peas and wipe her ass until we die, I wanted to be rich.
    “You’re never going to want to have sex with me again.  I’m going to push a human
     out of the hole where you stick your penis, and you’re never going to want to go there
     again,” she sobbed.
    Why God, why?  WHY did she have to put that image in my head?  I never had a problem
     having sex with her when she was pregnant with Veronica.  Never went through that
     whole “Oh no, what if I hurt the baby or he sees my penis” bullshit.  But this?  Oh
     sweet Jesus, this is the end for me.
    “Oh, that’s just silly.  Why would you say something like that?” I asked nervously.
    Maybe because it’s true.  A human is making his way down that canal, and I’m supposed
     to not freak out about this?
    Seven hours later, Billy had come screaming into the world, and I had thrown up in
     the trashcan next to the bed.
    Somehow, now, I need to convince my wife that I do not fear her vagina.  Not anymore
     at least.

Chapter 5 – Could it be…SATAN?!
     
    I’m going to kill him.  I swear to God I’m going to murder my husband.
    The week before Billy had been born, he thought it would be a great idea to get a
     kitten.  Something little to take care of to refresh our memories because it had been
     three years since we last had something that little to take care of.  But w hen he had said we , he really meant me . 
    Granted , the kitten, Miss Lippy, named after the weird teacher in Billy Madison, is cute and cuddly and likes to rub her little pink nose against mine when we curl
     up in bed at night, but she also poops more than the average human.  I’ve never seen
     so much poop come out of something so little and cute.  If she'd been an outdoor cat,
     I might have guessed that she ate a rotten animal or something and got sick, but she
     never goes outside.  She is strictly an indoor cat.  I had almost called the vet to
     ask them if it was normal or if Miss Lippy was dying