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Researcher and One of the Female Protestors Held through a Closed Car Window as This Researcher Waited for the Security Gate to Open
    PROTESTOR : I see you! You’re being judged! I am judging you!
    RESEARCHER : Please, I’m just trying to… can you move back?
    PROTESTOR : How many today? How many dead today? How many killed?
    RESEARCHER : Please, I just want to get through.
    PROTESTOR : I know your name. I know where you live. You have children!
    RESEARCHER : Is that a threat?
    PROTESTOR : It is what it is.
Results cont.
    The leading indicator of a potential return-to-sensibility problem was “soft-sounding” shots, which may be an indicator of an underpowered stunner. Further investigation revealed that cartridges for the stunner were stored in a damp supply room near the slaughter floor, thus causing a certain percentage of shots that fall below the effective bolt speed of 65m/s.
Percentage of Surfaces inside Commercial Beef Slaughter Plant #5867 That Could Be Characterized as “Damp”
    100.
Results cont.
    Other prevalent causes for the failure to render animals insensible with a single stunner shot included: bent firing pins, stunner damage (case #4557), improper stunner maintenance, dirty stunner trigger, and inexperienced operation (case #4557).
A Question Concerning His Project at Commercial Beef Slaughter Plant #5867 Asked by His Daughter That This Researcher Was Unable to Answer
    Do cows have names that they call each other in cow language?
Impressions of the Overall Hygiene/Grooming Practices of the Most “Aggressive” (Female) Protestor
    Braless for sure. Each morning as she rushed the car, waving her sign and yelling, her breasts banged into each other beneath her loose peasant blouse. Once, as she pounded a fist on the hood of this researcher’s car, this researcher caught a glimpse of a thick thatch of hair at her pit. She was plain and beautiful. Pure. Her scent is unknown. The plant really obliterated everything around. Has the researcher spoken of that already?
What the Nose Movements of This Researcher’s Wife Would Say When This Researcher Returns Home from the Plant If Those Nose Movements Were Translated into Verbal Communication
    That’s strange. What is that? Do you smell something? Yes? Is that a good smell or a horrible smell? Horrible, definitely horrible. Is that really coming from my husband? It is!
Results cont.
    Further investigation suggested that the stunner was probably damaged when the cocking mechanism struck the side of the stunning box, as can happen when the rod sticks in the animal’s head and the stunner is jerked out of the operator’s hand. Careful maintenance of the rubber bumpers that retract the rod can help prevent the rod from sticking in the head.
    Abnormal, overly thick skulls can also be blamed for return-to-sensibility problems in a small handful of cases, most notably case #4557.
One of the Things That the Researcher No Longer Takes Pleasure in Following His Experiences at Commercial Beef Slaughter Plant #5867
    You were thinking meat, but no, believe it or not, it’s television. Like a lot of Americans, this researcher used to find television soothing, particularly at the end of the day, once the kids were down and it was just the researcher and his wife on the couch, watching some show where nothing important would happen, but it was a real pleasure to watch those unimportant things happening. Lately, these people on the screen make him angry and he fidgets and makes sighing noises that annoy his wife.
Interview Summary of Roy L. Clampsin, Line Foreman
    Mr. Clampsin recently began his twenty-third year at Plant #5867, and has spent the past seven years as foreman of the stunning/bleeding operation. Mr. Clampsin believes that in his time at Plant #5867 he has “seen it all” and that this researcher was about the “millionth” of “his kind” to “come sniffing around.”
    When