Read The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant for Free Online

men who receive them will be chosen because they are either too dumb or too smart to question it.”
    Our conversation was cut short by the doddering waitress finally arriving with our food. Egg white omelet for me, waffles and bacon for Krystal. I lectured her for at least five minutes on cholesterol after she ordered. We dug into our food, but my eating was more for appearance’s sake. I’d taken a healthy draw from my flask while driving over, so I was quite full after the night’s festivities. We dined in peace for a few minutes. Krystal spoke up midway through the food, words slurred and muffled by her syrup-slathered batter morsels.
    “So, when did you die anyway?” she asked. I started to choke on my omelet, then remembered I didn’t need to breathe. I swallowed the lump down slowly.
    “I have no idea what you mean.”
    “Sure you do. You’re a vampire.” She didn’t look at me or slow down her intake while making her accusations. Impressive.
    “I’m an accountant, Krystal, though tonight I was costumed as a doctor. I live alone in my two-bedroom apartment and watch a lot of movies in my free time. Nothing about me really screams vampire.” As I finished my rebuttal, she took a long draw from her coffee cup. Putting it down, she wiped her mouth and pushed her food to the side. She locked eyes with me.
    “Fact number one, you rescued me where the door to the corridor was locked, which means your only way in was to scale the wall. You did so without making any noise, or I would have noticed. Fact two, you were one of the most skeptical people I ever knew, and yet when I told you the world was full of monsters, all you wanted was information on one type of them. Fact three, I tailed you after you left the commentator’s box and watched your little circus show on top of the cars. You’ve never been nearly athletic or coordinated to pull anything like that off. Fact four, you jerked free of a werewolf and bit through a damn fire extinguisher. Despite what you might think, I’m good at my job and you’re not very practiced at hiding your nature. Now will you give it up and just answer my question so I can keep eating?” She cocked an eyebrow with her ending question, waiting for me to respond. I motioned for her to go ahead and she began shoveling her food again.
    “It’s nothing too exciting. I got grabbed off the street about a year ago and fainted from the shock. When I woke up, I was like this.”
    “Kept the same job, huh?”
    “Yes. I like what I do, and I didn’t see any reason to give it up.”
    “Makes sense. Want to go out tomorrow night?”
    “What?!!” In my defense, I didn’t have a lot of experience with beautiful women asking me out. She took it in stride.
    “You’re a nice guy. We’ve got a good history. Plus, you aren’t that hard on the eyes. Besides, you actually know what I do for a living. Do you know how nice it will be to go out with a guy who I don’t have to keep lying to?”
    I mulled it over. “How do you know I’m not a bad vampire? What if I’m the kind you have to hunt down?”
    “You aren’t. I called in your plates while I drove over here. You’ve got a spotless reputation. A pretty boring one, actually.” She gave me a wink with a grin tugging on her mouth.
    And there it was. My unlife was so boring that even the woman who hunted monsters saw me as harmless. The one risk I had taken had backfired horribly. I wound up chased, beaten, and nearly killed by werewolves.
    Of course, I was sitting across from a very good looking woman who was asking me on a date. Maybe my first risk hadn’t played out so badly in the end. Maybe it was time for another. After all, I did still have four days of clean clothes and blood. Plenty of time to schedule some spontaneity.
    “I’ll pick you up after sunset,” I told her, mustering all my courage and including a flirtatious smile with my invitation.

A Zombie at the LARP
1.
    When I woke up the morning after being