Read The Tome of Bill (Book 7): The Wicked Dead for Free Online

place. The blow and subsequent landing – allowing me to experience the gentle tug of the scarred asphalt against my face as I skidded to a halt – would have been more than enough to stun most humans or worse. Pity for the asshole who blindsided me, I wasn’t a...
    More like pity I wasn’t allowed to finish that thought. A pair of hands abruptly grabbed me by the back of my jacket and hauled me to my feet. I was spun around and shoved into the wall of the building. Just then, the scent of vampire registered in my nostrils, something I should have noticed earlier rather than getting caught up in Sally daydreams.
    “You’re more than thirty minutes late,” my attacker growled. “We get a free pizza and your life.”
    Huh? The attack had caught me by surprise, but I was otherwise relatively unhurt. Whoever this asshole was, he was either a newb or didn’t realize who I was. It was going to cost him.
    Make that them .
    I looked up to see two more figures join the first. Though the darkness couldn’t conceal them from my eyes; they all wore masks.
    They rushed forward, and I took a wild swing at the nearest. My fist connected with a solid * clonk * of flesh meeting metal as I realized too late this one was actually wearing a medieval-style helmet – a pretty decent replica, if my bruised hand was any indication.
    Regardless, the blow got the job done. My attacker went down – a big-ass dent in the middle of his faceplate.
    “Motherfucker!” a muffled voice cried from within.
    Something about the cadence caught my attention, and I hesitated for a second, which allowed the others to close the distance and attempt to pin me. The one on the right wore a green knit ski-mask with Cthulhu-esque tentacles hanging off the front. The other stared at me through the rubber face of a Cyberman. All the fight went out of me as I recognized their headgear.
    No wonder the voice of Sir Dipshit had sounded so familiar.
    I was being attacked by my own D&D group. Guess I’d missed more games than I realized.
     

Twenty Sides of Terror
    Before I could say a word, the two attackers on either side of me – Adam and Mike, judging by their respective disguises – both swung fists into my stomach, doubling me over.
    Okay, I’d had just about enough of this shit. I was sorely tempted to start swinging back – just enough to teach them who was the big bad wolf in this story, but then I had a better idea. Fuck it; when in undead Rome...
    “ YOU FAGS THINK YOU’RE TOUGH ENOUGH TO FUCK WITH KELVIN LIGHTBLADE ?!”
    Normally, my compulsions aren’t much to write home about, at least without the blood of another vampire to juice them up, but they’re more than enough to catch the attention of newbs.
    My arms were freed as the two who’d been holding me stumbled back.
    The one still on the ground managed to pry his smashed helmet off, revealing, as expected, the face of the third member of my group – Carl. Or at least I assumed it was him behind the broken, blood-gushing nose.
    “Bill?”
    And with that, the encounter was over – all XP in my favor. Yeah, baby!
    “Yes, it’s me. What the fuck are you assholes doing?” I asked, still rightfully miffed.
    Adam stripped off his Cyberman mask. “Sorry, man, we didn’t know.”
    “Yeah,” Mike added. “We thought you were the delivery guy.”
    * * *
    “You thought I was some guy from Dominos?” I asked incredulously, feeling the bruises I’d incurred already healing. “Do I look like I’m carrying a fucking pizza?”
    “Well...”
    “Seriously, what the fuck? Did they jerk off on your last pie or something?”
    “It’s not like that, Bill,” Mike said. “We were just hungry.”
    “I get that, but just because someone is late is no reason to beat the shit out of them.”
    “We weren’t going to beat the shit out of him,” Adam corrected. “We were going to eat him.”
    “And the pizza too,” Carl added.
    My eyes nearly bugged out of my head as I processed this. What