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school shopping done. School starts soon and I thought you might like to ask Caitlynn to join us.”
    “I don’t need anything Mom. I have plenty of clothes.” I kept my eyes down, pushing around my now cold food.
    “Well, you need a backpack, and we always buy a new wardrobe and shoes. It is a tradition.”
    “Mom, I’m a senior now. We can let go of the tradition. I have a backpack and it is perfectly fine. I have a lot of clothes. I don’t need anything.” I wanted to say that I wanted to use the backpack that Garrett had carried on his shoulder all last year and wear the clothes he had seen and touched. I wanted to tell them that I didn’t want to have things that he would never see. I wanted to say these things but I knew it would worry them more.
    “Well then, maybe you don’t need anything Lamb, but wouldn’t it cheer you up to go on a shopping spree?” Dad said, trying to help mom out.
    “No Dad, I’m really not up to it. I’m finished. Thank you anyway, Mom.” I stood up and carried my plate to the sink, watching as the food disappeared into the garbage disposal. I gave them both a smile that felt phony and forced. I said goodnight and retreated back to my room, feeling stricken when I saw my clock announcing 7:03. I glanced at the M&M’s still arranged in a smile and wondered if he was here now, or over at his house, or gone forever. And if indeed he was here right now, what good would it do if I couldn’t see him, feel him, breathe him?
    I thought about calling Max, but decided against it. I was relying more and more on him as the days went by and how fair was that? Max had his own problems to deal with, and his parents on top of it. I needed to rely on myself but I craved his calm presence and the way he made me feel better, less alone. Maybe it was because he was Garrett’s twin. I didn’t really think that was it though. Max was just like that. He could always make you calm down and see things a little clearer. Once when Garrett and I had a fight I had started crying and went into the bathroom between the twins’ rooms. Garrett was upset too and left me to my tears, but Max had coaxed me in to opening up the door and had helped me get a grip and realize how silly the argument was. When I returned to Garrett and worked it all out I remember how he had leaned his head into Max’s room and said, “Hey thanks bro,” as we left arm in arm.
    The following night I was in my room moping. It had been just dad and me for dinner and he had brought home my favorite, quesadillas from Alberto's, a hole- in- the wall taco shop that we love. I still had no appetite and the day had been sad because Garrett’s mom wanted us to help her sort through his clothes and decide what to keep and what should be donated or given to friends. We all ended up so emotional and so unable to choose that I had come home with his favorite jacket and my three favorite shirts and all the rest got put back exactly where we had found them. Max told us it was too soon. It was never going to be a task I could help with and I told them not to even tell me when they actually gave things away. I sat at the dinner table telling my dad about it and he just started to cry. Seeing my dad cry was just horrifying enough to start me crying again. Dad apologized over and over.
    “Lamb, I am so sorry, but it just really hit me that this tragedy is real. I keep expecting Garrett to walk in and start telling me about his football practice or ask me to shoot hoops in the driveway. I just can’t make sense out of such a loss.”
    Neither of us had been able to eat a thing and I left dad to wrap up the food to put in the fridge as I retreated to my room. I put on Garrett’s jacket and curled up on my bed when I heard the sound of voices coming up the stairs.
    Mom and Caitlynn came through my doorway, each of them with their arms full of shopping bags. They smiled cheerfully and dumped the bags on the end of the bed.
    “What is all this?” I