The Onion Eaters

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Book: Read The Onion Eaters for Free Online
Authors: J. P. Donleavy
awfully kind Percival but as I’ve told you I can’t really afford.’
    ‘Now sir who said anything about bills or the like. Sure when you’re ready is time enough. And if you’re not ready it’s not time enough.’
    ‘Percival you seem to have confidence in the future.’
    ‘Ah now without the present you wouldn’t have a future. And sure the present is busy making the past while the future is waiting. And there’s no harm keeping the future waiting while it’s not here yet. And when you get there what is it but you’re in the present all over again. Will you have milk first or last in the tea.’
    ‘I think last, please.’
    ‘Now I’ve got Tim giving a hand with the garden. Just beyond the wall there. We’ll be having a spud or two before long. With the old gun I’ll blast a few of them hares off the heather for dinner tonight. How are you with the rod sir.’
    ‘I beg your pardon.’
    ‘For the fishing.’
    ‘I don’t fish.’
    ‘That’s a pity now. There’s plenty to be had from the deep out there. And now sir I must be gone about my chores.’
    Staring out the tiny window of the turret, Clementine biting into the red rashers. Laid gently upon a toasted buttery bread of wheat seed. Crushed sweetly between the back molars. Things not so bad. When you think. There’s no harm keeping the future waiting. Meanwhile fish, shoot and look at Toro. And if one is not mistaken this is the basket weave of Sheraton I sit on. Just like the chair in great aunt’s room. Where I sat. As Percival snored unconscious. And Rose gave me glances. Felt like a guest in my own house when she invited me to go with her down into the kitchen to make cocoa. But the eyes. Of her. Made one cautious and swiftly drowsy. I hesitated. And dead centre of that pause she said you won’t mind if I go myself and have a bite to eat.
    Clementine descending the stair into the great hall. A shaft of mid morning sunlight glinting on the display of shields on the north wall. Under which stands Franz Pickle adjusting a surveyor’s tripod. As Erconwald enters the front door carrying a small statue and an apparatus.
    ‘Ah good person, let me welcome you on this fine day and say good morning. How are you.’
    ‘Fine thanks.’
    ‘We are I think now sufficiently unloaded. It would not do for unauthorised persons tohandle our equipage and we are storing it in a safe place.’
    ‘I see.’
    ‘Ah good person I perceive some flummoxity upon your countenance. It is we have certain sample minerals, udometers, hydrometers, recent and fossil brachiopoda. Microscope. Geiger counter. Volt meter. Plant specimens. And here I carry Brahma, the Omnipresent One. And this is an oriental water pipe. Ah but why trouble you with such trivial paraphernalia this morning. I entrust you have breakfasted well.’
    ‘Yes thank you.’
    ‘And voided with ease that of which you are glad to be rid. Should you have difficulty in your personal cycle, we have a most effective remedy. A herbal infusion in which there is a colloidal suspension of selected finely ground sea weeds. Two spoonfuls of the well shaken mixture will blast waste from the bowel with the splendour of the trumpet blown unrestrained. In fact we suggest this musical accompaniment. But I keep you. Pray let me not do that. With the sun shining.’
    ‘Perhaps you could tell me what your associate Mr Pickle is doing.’
    ‘Ah, but of course. It is unforgivable of us not to have asked your permission but you have been so kind we did not wish to trouble you further. Franz is most excited. But does not want to hop skip nor jump to conclusions. And therefore I would ask your good person if I might withhold for a short time the nature of our enquiry.’
    ‘For how long.’
    ‘Ah. Franz. How long is needed for your investigation.’
    ‘Seventy two hours, provided that I do not have to drill.’
    ‘Ah good person I see that latter word uttered by Franz has wrought again upon your countenance some further

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