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the safeword was. Another approach is simply to say (yell, scream) “safeword.” In any case, the change in tone and body language as a submissive searches for the safeword is usually enough to warn a sensitive dominant that something is wrong.
    Some BDSM couples have adjuncts to safewords: “slow words” and “go words.” A slow word is a signal to the dominant that, while the activity is not beyond the submissive’s tolerance, the limit of tolerance is being approached. It is a signal, not to cease all activities but, to ease off a bit and, perhaps, to take a different route. Those who use “red light” for a safeword often use “yellow light” as a slow word.
    A go word is simply a signal to the dominant that everything is all right and he or she can continue and increase the intensity of the stimulation. Again, some couples use phrases like “yes, please” and “more,” but others who wish to maintain the illusion of nonconsensuality enjoy the irony of using “no” and “please stop.” However, when this latter type of go word is used in a public or semi-public scene, it is advisable to inform at least some of those present that it will be used. Otherwise, an inadvertent termination of the scene by outside influences may result.
    A second type of safeword is used by some people who use intense psychological stimuli as well as physical stimulation. This is a emotional safeword. While one word can be used to signal that either physical or psychological limits have been surpassed, some couples prefer to have separate safewords. This allows a submissive to signal, for example, that while the physical chastisement is still enjoyable, the humiliation has reached an unendurable point.
    In some scene groups, there is a heated debate about the need for safewords. While the majority seems to concur that they are necessary, a vocal minority deems them contrary to the spirit of BDSM. The most extreme members of this group put forth the concept of irrevocable consent. That is, once a submissive has given consent to a dominant, the dominant is free to do whatever he or she wishes. This outlook seems to be most common among the gay community. During a lecture at a BDSM group, one gay dominant expressed this philosophy succinctly, stating, “If he goes home with me, he’s mine until I’m tired of him.”
    A female dominant reflected a more mutualistic viewpoint, but still rejected the concept of safewords when she said, “If I can’t tell when he (the submissive) isn’t enjoying it any more, I don’t have the right to call myself a dominant.”
    A less radical outlook is that safewords are acceptable in the early stages of a relationship, but as the relationship matures they become unnecessary and reflect, a lack of confidence in the empathic abilities of the dominant.
    Interestingly, this desire to drop safewords from a relationship’s vocabulary is often voiced by the submissive, who declares he or she wants to demonstrate absolute trust in the dominant.
    It is important to recognize that a safeword benefits both parties. Many dominants value the use of a safeword because it allows them to “work closer to the edge” than would otherwise be comfortable. Particularly at the beginning of a relationship, safewords offer reality tests that assure the dominant that they are reading the submissive’s responses correctly.
    During her initial session, a novice submissive made such a fuss, pleading and begging, when she realized that I intended to shave her pubic region, that I was unsure whether she was going with the fantasy or genuinely objecting. After she had cried, “You can’t do this to me,” I replied, “Of course I can, unless, that is, you use your safeword.” She paused only a moment and then moaned, instead, “I’ll do anything you want; just don’t do this to me.” Reassured, I went on mixing the lather. Safewords don’t only work to make the submissive feel safe, they provide a margin of