eyeliner on my eyelids so the audience would notice my eyes, a standard routine for any theater actress. But before the curtain went up, and in the kind of loud, dramatic voice I had worked to eliminate from my own persona, I heard her on the other side of the theater. The whole cast and crew heard her, too. âThat girl is covered in makeup,â she was yelling. âThis show will not go on until she removes every last bit of it, do you hear me?â To be honest, I didnât even know whom she was talking about. So I couldnât believe it when the stage manager walked over to me, and with a sheepish voice said Iâd have to wash my face. It was mortifying. But I didnât argue. I knew what was going on. She wasthreatened by my youth, and wanted to keep me as barefoot and dowdy as possible.
âSo thatâs what it means to be the star,â I told myself as I washed my face.
Then it got worse. I had a beautiful song in the show called âDonât Like Goodbyes.â It was Harold Arlen at his finest, and the audience was wild for the song. After a performance in our out-of-town rehearsals, there was a knock on my door. The producer, Saint-Suber, and Mr. Arlen were standing there. He was a terribly dapper-looking man, but he was also nurturing, and spoke to performers with respect and kindness. This was, in fact, a man whose personality was equal to the loving and idealistic songs he wrote.
âThis is going to sound awful, and it isnât very pleasant, so get ready,â he said. âAnd I have to apologize because we never should have allowed this to happen.â
My heart skipped several beats. What could this be? I knew I wasnât being fired.
Then the producer quietly said, âWeâre going to have to take the song âDonât Like Goodbyesâ away from you. Pearl wants to sing it.â
I didnât say what I wanted to say, which was, âAre you all crazy?â
I might have suggested that the song would make no sense if her character sang it. But I knew the rules well by thenâdonât argue with the star. So I didnât cry or carry on at all. I simply told myself that there was nothing to be done about this situation. If thereâs something that you can do, then you have to fight for it. Or maybe you get the people you are paying to dothe fighting for you. But this? Nothing to be done about it. She wanted my song.
So it was decided that to help the song make sense, I would remain onstage as Miss Bailey sang it to me. The director put me at her feet. I was looking out to the audience, wistfully, as she sang:
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Donât like goodbyes,
Tears or sighsâ¦
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She was playing the loving woman who had adopted me, and I was this girl whom she had raised to become a lady. It was decided that I would rest my face on her lap and she would tenderly rub my cheeks and forehead as I looked outward and she sang the song that was one of the most beautiful Iâd ever heard, a song that gave me chills when I sang it. But the first night she sang my song, she took my head into both her hands, and slowly but forcefully turned my face completely upstage, away from the audience, and then she buried my face in her ample lap.
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Iâm not too good at leavinâ timeâ¦
I got no taste for grievinâ time
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While breathing into the fabric of her dress, I waited for her to lift my face back up so I could continue breathing freely and looking out at the audience. But it soon became clear that she was going to keep my head placed right there where she decided it should be. I wanted to bite her, but I told myself, âYou canât change this, leave it alone.â And when the song ended, and she had let me go, I heard the audience applaud her instead of me. Everyone tried to convince her it made no sense for her character to sing that song.
âNo, itâs fine,â she said. âWeâll leave it just like it
Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni