Read The Invention of Solitude for Free Online

my father spat out the window only to realize that the window had not been lowered, and my boundless, irrational delight at see ing the saliva slither down the glass. And still, as a little boy, how he would sometimes take me with him to Jewish restaurants in neighborhoods I had never seen before, dark places filled with old people, each table graced with a tinted blue seltzer bottle, and how I would grow queasy, leave my food untouched, and content myself with watching him wolf down borscht, pirogen, and boiled meats covered with horse radish. I, who was being brought up as an American boy, who knew less about my ancestors than I did about Hopalong Cassidy ’ s hat. Or how, when I was twelve or thirteen, and wanted desperately to go somewhere with a couple of my friends, I called him at work to get his permission, and he said to me, at a loss, not knowing how to put it, “ You ’ re just a bunch of greenhorns, ” and how, for years afterward, my friends and I (one of them now dead, of a heroin overdose) would repeat those words as a piece of folklore, a nostalgic joke.
     
    The size of his hands. Their callusses.
    Eating the skin off the top of hot chocolate.
    Tea with lemon.
    The pairs of black, horn-rimmed glasses scattered through the house: on kitchen counters, on table tops, at the edge of the bath room sink—always open, lying there like some strange, unclassi fied form of animal.
    Watching him play tennis.
    The way his knees sometimes buckled when he walked.
    His face.
    His resemblance to Abraham Lincoln, and how people always remarked on it.
    His fearlessness with dogs.
    His face. And again, his face.
    Tropical fish.
     
    Often, he seemed to lose his concentration, to forget where he was, as if he had lost the sense of his own continuity. It made him accident prone: smashed thumbnails from using a hammer, numer ous little accidents in the car.
    His absent-mindedness as a driver: to the point that it sometimes became frightening. I always thought it would be a car that did him in.
    Otherwise, his health was so good that he seemed invulnerable, exempt from the physical ills that strike all the rest of us. As though nothing could ever touch him.

    The way he spoke: as if making a great effort to rise up out of his solitude, as if his voice were rusty, had lost the habit of speaking. He always hemmed and hawed a lot, cleared his throat, seemed to sputter in mid-sentence. You felt, very definitely, that he was un comfortable.
    In the same way, it always amused me as a child to watch him sign his name. He could not simply put the pen against the paper and write. As if unconsciously delaying the moment of truth, he would always make a slight, preliminary flourish, a circular movement an inch or two off the page, like a fly buzzing in the air and zeroing in on its spot, before he could get down to business. It was a modified version of the way Art Carney ’ s Norton used to sign his name on The Honeymooners.
    He even pronounced his words a little oddly. “ Upown, ” for ex ample, instead of “ upon, ” as if the flourish of his hand had its counterpart in his voice. There was a musical, airy quality to it. Whenever he answered the phone, it was a lilting “ hellooo ” that greeted you. The effect was not so much funny as endearing. It made him seem slightly daft, as if he were out of phase with the rest of the world—but not by much. Just a degree or two.
    Indelible tics.
     
    In those crazy, tensed-up moods he sometimes got into, he would always come out with bizarre opinions, not really taking them seri ously, but happy to play devil ’ s advocate in order to keep things lively. Teasing people put him in buoyant spirits, and after a par ticularly inane remark to someone he would often squeeze that per son ’ s leg—in a spot that always tickled. He literally liked to pull your leg.
     
    Again the house.
    No matter how negligent his care of it might have seemed from the outside, he believed in his system.