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be no problem for me to be an interpreter at the very least. I worked very hard, and never stopped studying on account of the rheumatism that I had had since I was a child. I wanted to repay the kindness of the villagers who had raised me .
    Hongxue, a year ago, I was no longer able to avoid the reality that I had grown up, and I was painfully aware of being a mature woman. You don’t understand this yet, but you will in a few years .
    Little sister, I was the woman you wanted to ‘save’ on the hill behind the hospital .
    I wasn’t being hurt, I was with my boyfriend . .  .
    Dr Zhong and the others sent us to the Department of Military Discipline. My boyfriend was locked up and interrogated, and I was sent back to the hospital under house arrest because I needed medical treatment. That night, my boyfriend, who had a very strong sense of honour, killed himself. The next day, officials from the Department of Military Discipline, the Public Security Bureau – and other departments too, perhaps – arrived at the hospital to investigate. They said I had supplied my boyfriend with the ‘means to commit the crime of making himself dead to the Party and the people for ever’ (they said that suicide is a crime). I refused to say I had been raped and swore undying love to my boyfriend instead .
    The price I am paying for my love is to be back in this poor village as a peasant. The villagers shun me now – I don’t know if there is a place for me here .
    My boyfriend was a good man, I loved him very much .
    I am not writing you this letter because I blame you in the slightest. I know you are still young, you were trying to save someone out of the goodness of your heart. Promise me not to be unhappy because of this. Otherwise, the price I am paying will be even higher .
    Finally, little sister, are you prepared to answer these questions:
    Why are you unwilling to see your father?
    What made you think of drawing a fly, and why did you make it so beautiful?
    I hope you will be happy and well soon .
    I miss you .
    Yulong
    By candlelight, evening, 30 June 1975 .
    Now I know why many people have been ignoring me recently. They all know about Yulong’s tragic end, and that I am the culprit, the criminal who has brought her such unhappiness.
    Yulong, I have done something unforgivable to you.
    Who can forgive me?
    30 July – Oppressive heat before a storm
    I have hardly been outside for days. I don’t want to see anybody. Every word of Yulong’s letter has been carved into my brain. Her questions will not go away:
    Why are you unwilling to see your father?
    What made you think of drawing a fly, and why did you make it so beautiful?
    To answer Yulong, I will have to remember, and return to hell. But Yulong has been banished to hell because of me. So I must make the journey. I cannot refuse her.
    The baby fly is still sleeping in the heart of the liqueur chocolate; nothing more can trouble it now.
    When I was looking at it today, I was filled with envy.
    8 August – Hot
    For the last half month it has been constantly hot and humid. I don’t know what is brewing up in the heavens to bring people down here out in sweat like this.
    I need courage, courage to remember. I need strength, and I need willpower.
    Wading through my memories, the pain clings like mud; the hate, which had faded in this white world of illness, suddenly rushes back.
    I want to write back to Yulong, but don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how to answer her questions clearly. I only know that it will be a very long letter.
    For the last three days, I haven’t dared to look in on the baby fly. It talks to me in my dreams . . . oh, it’s too hot!
    18 August – Cool
    The heavens have given vent to their feelings at last. The autumn skies are high and the air is clean and fresh. Everyone seems to have heaved a sigh of relief, and expelled the gloom of so many days. The patients, who were sweltering in the hospital, afraid of the heat, now find