Read The Flesh Cartel #9: Trials and Errors for Free Online

voice and do what his master ordered. He pulled himself away from Mat—easier, now, that Nikolai wasn’t standing over him with his demands; he didn’t feel so cornered anymore, so needful to hang on—and put some distance between them. Mat made a noise at that— Thank God , probably, though Dougie’s “before” voice told him it was No, come back . Well, even if that were true, it was probably just because Mat felt so alone that he’d settle for Dougie’s company despite his hatred. Or maybe because he was jealous that Dougie belonged to Nikolai now, even though Mat didn’t like him, didn’t want him, thought him a burden. Dog in the manger and all that. Well, fuck him. He didn’t get to just throw Dougie away and then expect Dougie to come back to him at the slightest hint of bitter affection. Dougie was stronger than that now. He didn’t need Mat anymore.
    He backed up to his bed and very deliberately didn’t let himself look at Mat’s face. Too hard to get his thoughts in order while watching those silent tears fall. Mat made another noise. And another, more desperate than the last, as Dougie continued to ignore him. “Just shut up ,” Dougie snapped. “I need to think . Please. Just . . . stop.”
    Mat stopped.
    “What do I do,” Dougie moaned, putting his face in his hands. “I hate this. I hate this. I hate you .” His “before” voice shouted in his head, made him add awful, awful lies: “I hate Nikolai. I hate myself.”
    Mat moaned, mournful. Or maybe encouraging. Dougie couldn’t tell, wasn’t willing to look at him to find out. “I said shut up,” he said instead.
    He almost wished Mat wouldn’t, because every reason he could think of for why Mat would do as he asked just complicated the situation even more.
    Screw this. Dougie couldn’t be in the same room with the man, not right now. Couldn’t stand to be reminded of his old life or his catastrophic failure in his new one. He stood, paced to the door, had his hand on the knob before he realized he couldn’t face anyone out there right now, not while he was still being a bad boy , not until he’d been punished for it, punished but good , forgiven and taken back into the fold.
    Which just left the bathroom. Dougie went inside and slammed the door behind him. Turned on the shower. A good hot soak always did help him think, and at least with the water running, he had no chance of hearing those awful little noises Mat might make.

For one long, horrible, vomit-inducing minute, Mat had actually thought Dougie was going to go through with it. And then he’d felt like absolute shit for being so relieved when Dougie didn’t. This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? For Dougie to give in to Nikolai’s desires? To not suffer anymore?
    But it seemed that even not suffering was its own form of torture, a torture that maybe didn’t hurt as much as punishments and consequences , but chipped away at you just the same. He couldn’t sit by and let that happen to his brother. Nikolai’s logic sounded okay in theory, but that was what Nikolai did , just kept talking and talking and talking until you believed what he said, until you accepted his worldview as your own. Guys like Roger weren’t happy in their submission, they were dead inside. That wasn’t happiness, that was numbness. And maybe if your only options were numbness or pain, you would choose numbness, but at what cost? And what if your only options weren’t numbness or pain? What if freedom was still on the table?
    Yes. They could get out. Mat would save them. Dougie still had some piece of himself left, but it was a light going out fast, flickering like a fluorescent bulb on its last legs. Mat had to get him out of here. God, if only he didn’t have this fucking gag , he could talk to him, tell him everything. Tell him about his deal with Nikolai, tell him he was sorry, tell him he loved him more than anything, more than his own life, and he’d save him even if he had to die