Read The Flesh Cartel #9: Trials and Errors for Free Online Page B

skin. Nikolai would probably consider that to be helping, but they were already in shit anyway, right? “God, what have you done?” He took his wet towel and dabbed gently at the wounds, his hands shaking so badly he could barely manage. Not that Mat seemed to care; he pulled his arms away, and for a second Dougie thought he was just that disgusted by Dougie’s touch, but then he saw Mat’s fingers curling around the straps of the gag—two on each side, strong and thick, one buckled tight at the base of his skull and the other higher up on the back of his head, connected to each other by smaller straps that prevented Mat from slipping the top one off. Mat yanked and twisted and clawed, but Dougie hadn’t missed the two little padlocks holding the buckles shut, and not even his big strong brother could break out of those straps. He couldn’t even fit one fingertip beneath them for leverage.
    “Stop it, Mat. They’re locked. You can’t open them, Nikolai probably has the key. You’re just going to hurt yourself and make Nikolai even angrier than he’s already going to be. Please, just stop.” He realized he was crying again, fresh tears, except this time they didn’t feel desperate, they felt strangely cleansing. “Oh Mat, I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. This could have been over and done by now if I—if I—”
    He couldn’t even say it.
    Mat grasped either side of Dougie’s face and pulled him down so that their foreheads touched. He didn’t speak, not that he could. Didn’t even grunt around his gag. Just closed his eyes and breathed slowly, slowly, slowly, until Dougie felt himself breathing along. He wanted to pull away, wanted to say, Too late. You threw me away. You can’t have this anymore just because you’re desperate. You’re not my brother anymore , and then pin Mat down and ride him, just like Nikolai wanted.
    But he couldn’t, because even though Mat couldn’t speak, Dougie heard his words loud and clear: I love you. I love you. Breathing, in, out. I’m sorry. Please. In. Out. I love you.
    And Mat was crying again. Those big, stupid, silent tears.
    “You idiot,” Dougie cried back, softly. “You stupid, fucking idiot. Why— I was finally— And then you—”
    God, I love you too, Mat. I love you so much, even though I wish I didn’t. Even though you don’t deserve me. Even though you don’t really want me, not forever like Nikolai does.
    Despite his endless list of even thoughs , Mat must’ve seen something, some change in Dougie’s eyes, because he took his hands from Dougie’s face and threw them around Dougie’s shoulders instead, pulled him down tight, chest to chest, and locked his arms behind him, crying into his shoulder and bleeding all over his back and he was so warm—God, feverish—so hungry and alive with need, desperation, joy, relief, a thousand conflicting emotions Dougie felt welling in his own chest, too.
    And no matter how much Dougie didn’t want to feel all those things, no matter how afraid he was that Nikolai would come in at any moment and find them together like this, hate him for it, cast him away for it, he just . . . couldn’t make himself stop.
    He didn’t know how long he lay there like that, half on top of Mat, them clinging to each other and choking on tears like drowning men. He lost track of time, lost track of everything because it was all so fucking slippery right now, broken and sharp and dangerous, and he couldn’t even begin to figure out how to navigate his way through it without doing irrevocable damage to one or the other or both of them.
    All he knew was that he loved Mat. And he hated Mat. Hated him in ways he’d never even been able to conceive of in his “before” life, because Mat had broken everything, hadn’t he, he’d ruined it, ruined it all, and now Dougie didn’t know how to fix things with Mat or Nikolai or anyone and he was still fucking stuck here and had to live this fucking life and how was he supposed