stop.
As we drive past my old high school, I think about how much my life has changed in a few short years. I had it all back then; everyone looked up to me, tons of interviews and newspaper articles told of my success. Now, I’m a joke… or a tragedy, rather. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to baseball. I’m never going to be able to live down what happened. No matter what I do, how hard I try, or how good I am, the media will never let it go. It’ll be the first thing they mention whenever they talk about me. Who needs that? I think to myself, blowing off the idea. I decide to think of something else. I don’t want the bad thoughts to ruin my day. This is a good day. I’m free at last, at least until five, anyway.
It’s been twenty months and nineteen days since the last time I’ve been in my home. The guys were told to knock off a little earlier today, giving me extra time to spend with my family. Driving down the familiar tree-lined streets where I’ve grown up, everything looks the same, yet, feels so different. Most of my friends are gone, moved on to college.
As the McKnaulty’s Garden Center pick-up truck turns onto my street, the first thing to catch my eye is JJ’s house. I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, a pain so sharp that it takes my breath for a moment. There’s a car in her driveway that I’m not familiar with. Then again, I look across the street and there’s a car in my own driveway that I’m not familiar with,either. It’s been too long. Looking at her house, especially her bedroom windo w— the same one I climbed in and out of a million time s— makes me briefly smile to myself, but the feeling doesn’t last for long, it’s replaced with the guilt and heartache I feel.
Does she know I’m home? Will she come see me? I’m not the same person I was then. She won’t like the person I’ve become, I think to myself.
I slowly open the door leading into the kitchen and my senses fill with the aroma of my mom’s cooking. A sense of cautious relief comes over me. I know she’ll have a million things prepared for me. My mom, dad and Mikey are sitting around the kitchen table when I step through the door, all eyes pointing in my direction.
“You guys are in the same spot I left you in. Did you ever move?” I ask, attempting to crack a joke.
My mom jumps from her seat with tears in her eyes as she runs to me, with my dad right behind. She hugs me hard and long, and then my dad joins in. I can barely breathe and feel as if I may cry myself, but am unable to shed a tear. I’ve worked so hard at not showing my emotions over the last twenty months, I assume I must have forgotten how to feel anything.
When they finally let me go, Mikey rises to greet me . “Hey, man,” I say, surprised to see that he flew home to be here. “What are you doin’ here? You didn’t have to come.” Mikey has stuck by me through everything. He’s the one person I could dump on while I was inside. I didn’t have to pretend that everything was fine with Mikey. He grabs me and pulls me into a bear hug, trying to hide his own misted eyes. “Yeah, well, I wanted to. I had to check in, make sure you’re takin’ care of yourself,” he jokes.
My mom interrupts, rattling off a hundred different things she made me for dinner. I’m feeling overwhelmed and uneasy , I’m not really up for eating, yet I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I hug her again and tell her I’m starving. I can tell it’s hard for her to let me go each time she takes me in her arms.
We sit together and eat while making useless small talk. I can feel the tension in the room. I know it ’s me giving off the negative vibes, but I don’t know how to fix it. We talk as if we’re strangers.
After dinner , I head up to my room and close the door. I feel the need to be alone for a few minutes. I guess it’s something I’ve gotten used to the last couple of years. I lay across my bed. I forgot just how comfortable a bed could