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the less,” I mumble to myself as I close my eyes.
    In the days following, I look forward to waking up each morning and getting picked up for work. Being outside, getting the fresh air , brings me a bit of relief. My family and lawyer are working at getting me on a house-arrest program so that I don’t have to return to the halfway house each evening.
    During the hour or two that I do get to spend at home each day, I make sure to spend a good bit of time at the docks. I try gathering my thoughts about what it is that I want and how in the Hell I’ll go about getting there. There’s not a question about who I want, but not like this, it wouldn’t be right. Being away took its toll on me. I’m fucked up and I know it. Mostly I feel unstable, but I’m trying my best to hide it from my family. I don’t want to cause them more problems than I already have. I stare at the blue-green water like I used to, hoping to find answers.
    A million thoughts race through my mind. One day I feel as if I’m ready to get back to playing ball and the next, I’m thinking, screw it, why bother . I could care less if I ever play again. On one of those bad days, I run into David on my way back from the docks.
    Later that evening, back at my temporary home in AC, I breathe in the stale air of smoke and focus on the crack in the yellow stained ceiling while replaying the conversation with David in my mind. He seemed as if he was happy to see me at first, at least he pretended to be , but then I probably blew it the second I opened my mouth when he asked if I was ready to go back to playing ball. Instead of just playing it off like I was fine, I proceeded to tell him how screwed up I am, and that I didn’t think I’d ever get back to playing. I’ve always had this problem with spilling too much to David. No wonder he never mentions JJ’s name to me, come to think of it, no one does.
    I know they had the fundraiser not that long ago. I overheard my mom talking to Deanna about it on the phone. And I’d bet my life, Mikey was there as well. They must all know I’ve lost it, that’s why no one mentions her name around me.
    ***
    As the months pass, I admit to myself that by now I had hoped she would have come to see me , but she doesn’t, which in turn pisses me off. Screw her. I don’t want to see her anyway. She’s probably moved on, either that, or they all know that I’m fuckin’ crazy and they warned her to stay away. It drives me insane thinking about it. Why the hell can I not ask Mikey about her? Then, a staggering thought enters my mind. What if it’s Mikey that she’s with now? They live in Florida. I’m sure he looks after her. After all, he’s been the one that’s been there for her the last couple of years. All this time, I’ve been thinking to myself that just maybe there would be a chance for us again. I’ve never considered the obvious. Maybe he’s been trying to tell me and I’ve been ignoring the signs.
    My heart begins to pound so hard that I can see it popping out of my chest. My mind swirls with unwanted thoughts. I’ve never had contact with her since that night. No one mentions her name to me. I can’t believe I never gave any thought that she may have moved on with my best friend. How do I deal with that? I feel as if I’ ve been hit by a Mack Truck; my eyes begin to blur as I drift in and out of a stormy night of sleep.

    Chapter 5

(Luke)

    It takes some time, but they finally approve the house-arrest program. No going back to jail, no going back to the crummy halfway house in AC. I finally have the freedom to sleep in my own bed, watch my own TV, shower in my own private bathroom, and head to the kitchen whenever I’m hungry. I should be ecstatic to finally be home, but I’m still feeling agitated most of the time.
    Deanna is home for her summer break, I feel the strain on our relationship and can’t bring myself to talk with her like I used to. I know she remains close with JJ. I can’t help