Royal Earlswood Asylum for Mental Defectives. (
Tailing off
.) In Redhill.
A silence.
First cousins.
A silence.
The elder was said to look remarkably like me.
A silence.
Brown It’s the job I dreamt of my whole life, being Leader of the Labour Party. In government. But I must accept I may not be as well cut out for it as I’d hoped. I’m probably better suited as a academic. Tucked away –
Elizabeth ‘Tucked away’. How lovely.
Brown – at one of the great Scottish Universities.
A silence.
Elizabeth The unlived lives within us all.
More silence.
In my unlived life, I’d be miles from anywhere, a house in the country. A farm, probably. Lots of children, lots of horses, lots of dogs. Everyone mucking in, being allowed to get grubby.
Brown Which part of the world?
Elizabeth Oh, Scotland. I was brought up by Scotswomen … and not just my mother. All the nannies, too. Good stout Scotswomen. One in particular, Bobo Macdonald, she slept in a room with me until I was fifteen – she was a wonderful storyteller. And would tell me stories at night about what it was like – on the outside.
She tails off.
But how did we get started on this? That fire is too hot. It’s mid September, what were they thinking? If you don’t mind I shall ask them to leave it unmade next week …
Brown I won’t be here next week, Ma’am.
Elizabeth Oh?
Brown Party Conference.
Elizabeth Of course. Where are you this year?
Brown Brighton.
Elizabeth How lovely. (
Stops, thinks
.) Is it lovely?
Brown No, Ma’am. Too many Tories down there. I’d have preferred Blackpool. Good Labour heartland. A couple of marginal seats we could have cleaned up there, too. In the process. Lancaster and Fleetwood. Blackpool North and Cleveleys.
Elizabeth That would have been very efficient of you. How’s the speech going?
Brown I’ve got a first draft. Which has come in a bit long.
Elizabeth Always a mistake to outstay one’s welcome. I make sure the Christmas speech never goes beyond eight minutes. That’s the limit of human endurance, I think.
Brown I’m afraid my lot’ll have to put up with me a little longer than that.
Elizabeth Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
Brown and the Queen walk off.
The Equerry walks on, and walks to a drinks cabinet.
Equerry If there’s one thing Her Majesty really loathes, it’s being ill. She is a great believer in fresh air and exercise as preventative measures, and
always
wears gloves on public rounds and studiously avoids people with coughs and sniffles. As a consequence, the occasions where she has called in sick over the past sixty years can be counted on one hand …
He is making a hot toddy.
The occasion in November 1971 comes to mind, when Her Majesty contracted chickenpox – a ‘ridiculous disease’, she called it. She resumed her duties the moment she was free of infection – including meeting Prime Minister Edward Heath for an audience, still covered in spots! And in December 1992, shortly after the publication of Andrew Morton’s book about Diana, the Queen was struck by a
very
nasty cold.
And lights come up on the Queen in the Audience Room as the Equerry brings her a steaming LemSip. She is not in good health. She is running a fever and is in a filthy mood.
Equerry A hot lemon drink, Ma’am.
Elizabeth Thank you. Did you spice it up a bit?
Equerry I did.
Elizabeth One shot or two?
Equerry (
clears throat
) Three.
Elizabeth Good.
The Queen takes a sip.
Equerry The doctor
did
ask me to impress upon you that continued bed rest was advisable …
Elizabeth I’ll be fine.
Equerry And that while running a fever, any exertion or unnecessary stress might tire you excessively …
Elizabeth Don’t be silly.
Equerry Or prolong the illness …
Elizabeth I’ll be fine. It’s just a
Tailing off
.) In Redhill.
A silence.
First cousins.
A silence.
The elder was said to look remarkably like me.
A silence.
Brown It’s the job I dreamt of my whole life, being Leader of the Labour Party. In government. But I must accept I may not be as well cut out for it as I’d hoped. I’m probably better suited as a academic. Tucked away –
Elizabeth ‘Tucked away’. How lovely.
Brown – at one of the great Scottish Universities.
A silence.
Elizabeth The unlived lives within us all.
More silence.
In my unlived life, I’d be miles from anywhere, a house in the country. A farm, probably. Lots of children, lots of horses, lots of dogs. Everyone mucking in, being allowed to get grubby.
Brown Which part of the world?
Elizabeth Oh, Scotland. I was brought up by Scotswomen … and not just my mother. All the nannies, too. Good stout Scotswomen. One in particular, Bobo Macdonald, she slept in a room with me until I was fifteen – she was a wonderful storyteller. And would tell me stories at night about what it was like – on the outside.
She tails off.
But how did we get started on this? That fire is too hot. It’s mid September, what were they thinking? If you don’t mind I shall ask them to leave it unmade next week …
Brown I won’t be here next week, Ma’am.
Elizabeth Oh?
Brown Party Conference.
Elizabeth Of course. Where are you this year?
Brown Brighton.
Elizabeth How lovely. (
Stops, thinks
.) Is it lovely?
Brown No, Ma’am. Too many Tories down there. I’d have preferred Blackpool. Good Labour heartland. A couple of marginal seats we could have cleaned up there, too. In the process. Lancaster and Fleetwood. Blackpool North and Cleveleys.
Elizabeth That would have been very efficient of you. How’s the speech going?
Brown I’ve got a first draft. Which has come in a bit long.
Elizabeth Always a mistake to outstay one’s welcome. I make sure the Christmas speech never goes beyond eight minutes. That’s the limit of human endurance, I think.
Brown I’m afraid my lot’ll have to put up with me a little longer than that.
Elizabeth Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
Brown and the Queen walk off.
The Equerry walks on, and walks to a drinks cabinet.
Equerry If there’s one thing Her Majesty really loathes, it’s being ill. She is a great believer in fresh air and exercise as preventative measures, and
always
wears gloves on public rounds and studiously avoids people with coughs and sniffles. As a consequence, the occasions where she has called in sick over the past sixty years can be counted on one hand …
He is making a hot toddy.
The occasion in November 1971 comes to mind, when Her Majesty contracted chickenpox – a ‘ridiculous disease’, she called it. She resumed her duties the moment she was free of infection – including meeting Prime Minister Edward Heath for an audience, still covered in spots! And in December 1992, shortly after the publication of Andrew Morton’s book about Diana, the Queen was struck by a
very
nasty cold.
And lights come up on the Queen in the Audience Room as the Equerry brings her a steaming LemSip. She is not in good health. She is running a fever and is in a filthy mood.
Equerry A hot lemon drink, Ma’am.
Elizabeth Thank you. Did you spice it up a bit?
Equerry I did.
Elizabeth One shot or two?
Equerry (
clears throat
) Three.
Elizabeth Good.
The Queen takes a sip.
Equerry The doctor
did
ask me to impress upon you that continued bed rest was advisable …
Elizabeth I’ll be fine.
Equerry And that while running a fever, any exertion or unnecessary stress might tire you excessively …
Elizabeth Don’t be silly.
Equerry Or prolong the illness …
Elizabeth I’ll be fine. It’s just a
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