Texts from Jane Eyre

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Book: Read Texts from Jane Eyre for Free Online
Authors: Mallory Ortberg
anything like that
not some sort of illegitimate son I’m taking in
 he isn’t MINE, understand
     right 
     I’m just adopting him
it’s not important how I found him or who his mother is
or what letters of mine she does or doesn’t have
let’s have no questions about the boy from now on
my favorite, special, beloved son,
who I adopted and definitely am not the real father of
be home in five!!!
(with the boy)
(his name is Heathcliff!!!)
 (you’re going to LOVE him)

     god i love you cathy 
     i love you too
i love you so much
god
  it hurts how much i love you
     i love you so much
 let’s break each other’s hearts
     oh my god let’s
  i love you so much i’m going to marry edgar
     i love you so much i’m going to run away 
     i love you so much i’m going to make myself sick 
     good
 good that’s so much love
     i love you so much i’m going to get sick again
just out of spite
  i’ll forget how to breathe
     i’ll be your slave 

     i’ll pinch your heart and hand it back to you dead 
     i’ll lie down with my soul already in its grave 
     i’ll damn myself with your tears 
     i love you so much i’ll come back and marry your sister-in-law 
     god yes 
     and i’ll bankroll your brother’s alcoholism 
     i always hoped you would 
     uuuuuuugh 
     do you know who i hate? 
     everyone? 
     EVERYONE 
       
     i love you SO MUCH
i’m going to write your name all over my books and then
  i’m going to have someone else’s baby and then DIE
     yes
cathy yes that’s perfect
i’m going to kidnap your daughter someday
and i won’t let your nephew learn how to read
because of how much i love you
and scream at your grave
and i’ll rent your room out
 to some guy from London
     oh my god thank you
thank you so much
i’m going to love you so much
  i become a ghost
     i’m so glad to hear that
 i was hoping you’d say that
     but i’m never going to haunt you
  just that guy who’s visiting from london
     that sounds perfect
 i’m so excited to hear him tell me about what your ghost looks like
     oh my god
  what are you going to scream at my grave
     oh man
what aren’t i going to scream at your grave
i’ll scream everything
 i’ll scream at your soul
     good good 
     i’ll scream about what a bitch you were 
     i am so excited
i am going to just
  ruin heaven with my screaming back at you
     that is so sweet of you to do that 
     i’ll just murder everyone’s heart 
     i hope your ghost drives me crazy  
     i love you like how rocks love forests 
     i totally know what you mean 
     i love you like i love the inside of my own brain 
     oh my god that’s so much love 
     i knooooow
  do you want to make out right now
     god no
i want to wait until you’re dead
and then rip up the earth over your grave
 and crawl inside

Little Women
     MEG
MEG
MEG WHAT’S ALL THIS
WHAT’S ALL THIS I’M HEARING ABOUT YOUR GETTING MARRIED
 tell me it’s a wretched lie
     Jo I don’t know how many more times we have to have this
  conversation
     I’ll have it a THOUSAND TIMES if I must 
     but yes
  I am still marrying John tomorrow
     OH GREAT TRIPLE-HORNED GOD 
     just like I was planning to yesterday 
     this is unbearable 
     and also last month 
     answer me this, then
who exactly do you think is going to play Mercy
when we put on my version of The Pilgrim’s Progress this
summer?
I wrote that part for YOU
 wrote it beautifully in fact
     I don’t know, darling 
     she gets a cracking scene with the villain
Rodrigo where he tries to poison her
 and she screams and faints and everything
     I don’t remember anyone named Rodrigo in The Pilgrim’s Progress 
     THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE MEG 
     I’m very sorry 
     this production will be ruined 
     why don’t you ask Amy? 
     i’m not even going to dignify that with a response 

     You still have three hours to change your mind
we could run away and be

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