Texts from Jane Eyre

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Book: Read Texts from Jane Eyre for Free Online
Authors: Mallory Ortberg
pirates
 or just wear bloomers
     but I love him, Jo 
     uuuuugh
 I can’t even understand you when you get hysterical like this
     I love him and I want to marry him — that’s all 
     you’re just ranting now
 it’s pure gibberish
     we’ll be living just down the road, honestly
  it’ll be like i never left at all
     does he have a horse?
is that what this is about?
does he have a sword gun or a railroad
or a
 a nice hat or something?
     no, that’s not what this is about 
     I hope you realize you’re breaking up the family 
     I really wish you wouldn’t see things that way 
     a broken home
that’s what I come from now
 a broken home
     that’s not what they call it when your sister gets married 
     then why does it feel broken, Meg
why does it feel broken
this is the worst thing
that has ever happened
to anyone
 since Father died
     Father didn’t die, Jo! 
     oh
didn’t he?
 for some reason I thought he’d died
     no
  he’ll be home in a few weeks
     Ah
do you suppose he’s going to want his old greatcoat
and riding boots
and shaving things
and top hat
 when he gets back?
     I expect that he will 
     HANG EVERYTHING 

     LAURIE
I despise everything
 did you know Meg wouldn’t even let me have any fireworks at her wedding
     I didn’t know that 
     not a single solitary firework
nor a footrace either
 she wouldn’t even let me challenge the groomsmen to a feat of strength
     well I’m afraid that’s fairly customary
  not to have the maid of honor wrestling the wedding party, I mean
     THEN I’M NEVER GETTING MARRIED 
     all right 
     imagine having to get married without even one little roman candle
i won’t do it you know
 i won’t live in that kind of a world
     all right, Jo 
     i’ll kill myself and all of you
 but i won’t live in that world

     amy? 
     yes? 
     amy im dying tonight 
     oh beth
  No
     yes im definitely dying
 oh its terrible how much im dying just now
     but
what exactly
  what are you dying of
     this sewing needle
 it’s so very heavy
     well
  put it down
     the window
it’s so
 so bright
     the window is killing you? 
     it’s so terribly full of glass 
     I see 
     theres just glass all over it
 i don’t know how you stand it
     oh
  I manage
     i dont think ill make it through the night 
     well I’ll be here if you need me 
     and to think i once stepped outside the house
 to stand in the sun
     yes, I remember that day 
     what a strong and foolhardy girl i was then 

     dear Laurie
dearest Laurie
surely at this point you know
i can’t possibly marry you
i’m so sorry
 please try to forgive me
     Jo
of course I’ll respect your wishes
but why?
  there’s no one who knows you better
     i know that 
     we have such fun together 
     we do! 
     and you’re dear to me
and jolly
and clever
cleverer than me anyhow
and I
I do love you
  most awfully, Jo
     Laurie, I can’t
 please don’t ask me again
     I can’t help but ask 
     and I can’t give you any answer but no 
     all right
  all right

     Oh Meg, darling
it’s all over
 Beth is with Father now
     Jo, Father still isn’t dead 
     really? 
     I saw him not four hours ago 
     could have sworn he died at sea
 or somewhere

     Jo, I’m sorry about what I said the other day
I know how you feel about marriage
  and — and everything
     Oh, Laurie
 that’s all right
     you’ll never marry anyone
your writing is too important
  that comes first
     oh 
     I do admire you for that, really I do
  you’re going to do tremendous things
     that’s awfully kind of you to say 
     and I count myself lucky to know you
I do, Jo
we’ll be old bachelors together
  you and I
     well
ah
 the thing is, chum
     running a cattle ranch
  somewhere out West
     turns out I am going to be married after all
I’ve met someone, I mean
please understand I never intended to
he’s the most wonderful man
very old
 much older

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