Read Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life for Free Online Page B

out of the way, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up off the floor.
     
    “You…okay?”
     
    I tried to say, “Yes,” but my voice just made a gurgling sound like I was strangling or something. I swallowed and took a deep breath.
     
    “Sure. I’m okay. I had spaghetti for dinner yesterday but it wasn’t nearly this slippery!”
     
    I cringed. I couldn’t believe I just said that. I am such a RETARD!!
     
    Then I watched, spellbound, as Brandon handed mea napkin in what seemed like slow motion. I almost DIED, right there on the spot, when our fingers accidentally TOUCHED…

    …ever so slightly, like a gentle but wild squirrel slurping sweet nectar from one of those dainty purpley flowers in my mother’s garden that my dad accidentally sprayed with weed killer. Our eyes locked and for a split second it was as if we were gazing into the deep, misty cavern of each other’s wounded souls. I will FOREVER remember the words he whispered into my trembling ear:
     
    “Um…I think you have…something on your face?”
     
    I blushed and my knees started feeling all wobbly. “Probably my lunch…”
     
    “Yeah, probably…”
     
    Unfortunately, our very serious emo convo (which, BTW, means “emotional conversation”) was rudely interrupted by Mr. Snodgrass, our lunchroom monitor. But everyone calls him Mr. Snot and a not-so-nice word.
     
    He started cleaning up the mess on the floor and lecturing me about my responsibility as a young adult to keep my food on my tray at all times. Brandon rolled his eyes at Mr. Snodgrass in a very chivalrous manner, and then he kind of smiled at me again.
     
    “I guess I’ll see you in biology.”
     
    “Yeah…okay. And thanks. You know, for the napkin.”
     
    “Hey, no prob.”
     
    “Actually, we have napkins just like this at home.
     
    My mom got them on sale. At Wal-Mart…”
     
    “Oh, that’s, um…cool. Well, later.”
     
    “Sure, see ya, in bio.”
     
    Then Brandon picked up his backpack and left the cafeteria.
     
    I just clutched the napkin over my heart and sighed.
     
    In spite of everything that had just happened, I suddenly felt VERY happy and butterflyish all over.
     
    But that feeling lasted only about ten seconds, because that’s how long it took me to notice

    MACKENZIE
    She was SO angry, her whole face was all droopy and distorted.
     
    She actually looked a little SCARY!
     
    “I hope you’re not STUPID enough to think HE’D like a LOSER like you?” she howled like a banshee.
     
    But I guess I was still kind of disoriented, because I didn’t have the slightest idea what she was talking about.
     
    “Um…he, WHO?” I asked.
     
    That’s when Jessica blurted out, “You are such a KLUTZ. OMG! Look at her! I think she PEED her pants!”
     
    And then MacKenzie was like, “OMG! You’re right. She did PEE her pants!”
     
    And both of them started laughing and pointing at me again.
     
    I just rolled my eyes at them and said, “Yeah right! I spilled MILK on my pants. Don’t you morons know milk when you see it?”
     
    Then I ran out of the cafeteria and went straight to the nearest girls’ restroom.
     
    Inside, there were about five girls at the mirror trying out one another’s lip gloss flavors.
     
    They completely froze and just stared at me in horror with their mouths wide open.
     
    It was like they had NEVER seen anyone covered from head to foot in spaghetti and cherry jubilee before.
     
    Some people are so RUDE!
     
    I kind of staggered back into the hallway like a zombie. But instead of leaving a trail of slimy, rotted flesh, I left a trail of spaghetti, sauce, and cherry jubilee.
     
    Then I noticed the door of the janitor’s utility closet near the drinking fountain was cracked open a little bit. I peeked inside, and since no one was in there, I snuck in and closed the door.

    I felt so HORRIBLE! That’s when I burst into tears and starting writing in my diary.
     
    Pretty soon I heard some vaguely familiar voices