Read Survive for Free Online

shiver runs down my spine as I imagine myself clinging to life and being wheeled on a gurney through O’Hare airport. That must be hell.
Focus on the now, Jane.
    The lone flight attendant is sitting at the front of the plane, flipping through a magazine, probably relieved that the turbulence means she doesn’t have to wheel the drinks cart down the aisle filling orders like a waitress. Finally an element of the Plan comes to fruition. I open the bathroom door and step in. I push the bolt lock and close the door. I turn and sit on the toilet. I put my face in my hands and wonder what my mother is doing now. I cry a little, not because I’m afraid, but because I am so relieved to be here and at the same time I am sad for my mother. Something will happen to her when she hears this, something permanent. I feel sad about it, but it’s not enough to stop me.
    I dip into my bag and pull out my pills. One by one, I press them through the blister packaging. The bumpiness of the flight makes it difficult, but I manage to fill a small white paper cup with what I’ll need. I pull another cup from the metal sleeve and fill it from the tiny sink. I steady myself.
    I say my takeoff prayer again and hope my angels will carry me home.
What works for one flight should work for all,
I tell myself. I open my mouth and reach for the pills. The plane hits an air bump and jumps up and down. I quickly put my other hand against the wall and steady myself.
    Sign of the cross. I stand, looking at myself in the mirror one more time, one last time. It’s the eyes, always the eyes. There’s a language in them. What do I see? Helpless. Sad. Alone. Disintegrating. Desperate. I see my great-grandfather; his eyes are mine. He was a man I never knew, but the darkness began with him, or maybe even earlier. I know his sad secrets are my own.
    I put the cup to my mouth and reach for the water cup.
    There’s a smack and a zap. The light flickers, then off. Blackness. For a moment I believe I am already in that pre-death dream spiral I had longed for. But then the bottom of the plane drops out on me. I fly off my feet and my head strikes the ceiling. The pills scatter from my hand like a shotgun spraying pellets.
    I tumble against the wall on my way to the floor and the light flickers on, but I am dizzy. I hear screams from outside the bathroom and I wonder if they are trying to get me out. But then the attendant tells everyone to remain calm. I try to stand, but I am too dizzy. I feel a warm sensation on my right cheek, and suddenly I notice drops of red on the floor in front of me. I put my hand to my head and it is immediately covered in sticky red blood.
    I push against the walls beside me but only manage to move myself into a tucked position beside the toilet and the sink. There’s a second zap and then the whole plane goes black. Again the bottom drops, but I remain jammed against the toilet this time.
    A red light flashes above me and then it dies too. The plane stops whining. I can feel it just gliding along through the air, being tossed up and down. There’s no response. For a long time, we are like a dead body floating downriver, just gliding to nowhere. I wonder where I am for a second and I remember my angels and I wonder if they are holding up the plane. I wonder if this is how I am going to die.
    Then there’s another big drop. Fear takes hold of me and I scream as loud as I have ever screamed. When I finally breathe again, I choke on the pills left in my mouth and cough them out even as I try to swallow them. I hear terrified screams from the front of the plane, and I start to sob and pray again and again. I realize that the nose of the plane is angled downward, and the angle grows steeper by the second. And then it levels out, and the howl of the wind shrieks like a dying bird.
    My stomach flips and spins and I black out. I awake a minute or an hour later; I do not know how much time has passed. But it is silent and black and for a moment