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waiting for what comes next. I don’t know how long I stood there but my arms started to ache from holding the baby’s weight and my throat was desert dry. I glance back to the ditch and think about moving to find some water and shade to wait in when something changes. The silence is faintly broken by the sound of an engine and it’s getting closer. Finally, someone’s coming to help.
    I stand there and wait as the sound draws closer. Matty even stops crying and turns his head in the direction it’s coming from. A pickup truck drives slowly towards us as it makes its way around the accidents that litter the highway. My baby brother and I watch it get closer and closer and my knees almost give out at the relief of someone to help us. It comes close enough that I can see a pretty woman with a horror filled face staring out at us and as it starts to pass us, she raises her hand and presses her palm to the window. In the back passenger window, the face of a girl appears and she has the saddest eyes. She raises her hand to the window just like the woman in the front had. My hand comes up to mimic theirs in a small wave as I wait for them to pull over and stop. My hand hangs in the air and I watch in disbelief as they just keep going. When I can no longer see the truck my hand drops and my knees give out. I don’t feel the pain of the hard pavement as my knees crashed against it. The pain of being abandoned eclipsed everything else and I finally weep.
    I don’t know how long I kneeled there on the hot road but the back of my head is on fire from the sun and Matty’s patting my leg and babbling at me when I come back to the world.
    “Kay X, kay X? Dink X, dink?” was what I finally make out of his baby talk. I try to tell him that yes, I was ok but my mouth and throat were bone dry and all that came out was a groan. After rubbing the tears from my face, I painfully rise to my feet and haul him up onto my hip. I have to get us out of the sun and get some water into us.
    I stumble down into the ditch again and sit Matty in the grass. Shoving aside some of the bags I had removed from the back of the van, I finally unearth his monster stroller and get it unfolded and upright. I pull the sun shade canopy open and plop him in it before finding his diaper bag and getting drinks for us both. Once I can swallow without choking on the dryness in my throat, I go back into the oven the van is becoming and find my backpack. With my Saskatchewan Roughriders cap on my head, I scan around the mound of bags and try to decide what to do next.
    Matty has fallen asleep in his stroller so I climb back out of the ditch and look both ways. Still nothing, I don’t understand why there aren’t more cars driving through. With this many accidents there should be ambulances and police cars everywhere by now. Shaking my head in confusion, I go back down and start to sort out our belongings. When emergency crews finally do show up, they will take Matty and I somewhere to meet my grandparents and we’ll need a few things.
    The first suitcase I open brings another sob to my throat. The smell that wafts out brings comfort and home. It’s Mom’s smell. Every hug, every cuddle, every soft touch comes with that smell and it now brings a sharp arrow of pain to my chest. Looking down at her clothes through a haze of tears brings her loss full center again. I have no choice but to gently close and re-zipper the bag and move on. There would be plenty of time later to think about her.
    I get everything I think we will need into one suitcase and drag it up the ditch closer to the trees where a slice of shade has grown. Once I pull Matty and his stroller up and into it, I sit down and close my eyes to wait.
    I have no idea how long I slept or what woke me up but the slice of shade we were in has grown and moved almost to the road. I peek over the side of the stroller and give a sigh of relief when I see Matty still sleeping. My stomach grumbles for food so I