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by the minute (even though I was sure it was mostly in my head).
     
    Last night Sister had fallen asleep in my arms pretty quickly after I cuddled up behind her, my presence bringing her some kind of comfort. Unfortunately I didn’t have the same luxury and stayed up most of the night looking out of the window (through the barricade) to the world outside, wishing things could go back to how they were before the incident which changed everything for the worse. I knew there was no point in wishing such things yet I couldn’t help myself. I still wished away regardless. And then (when I realised I was wasting my time) I lay there wondering whether I should take charge of the situation and leave the house by myself.
     
    “I’m going to find some food or help. Whichever comes first.” That’s what I would have said to Mother and Father. Of course, he would have told me not to be so bloody stupid but I’d argue with him. I’d tell him we didn’t have a choice and that one of us would have to go out there. If he wasn’t going to do it, then it only left me.
     
    “Did you sleep?” Sister broke my playback of how I thought the conversation would go.
     
    “Yes.” I don’t know why I lied. Just felt right.
     
    She squirmed away from my embrace. Was she suddenly uncomfortable with me being so close? Was it not her who asked me to come onto the mattress with her too?
     
    “You okay?” I asked.
     
    “I’m fine.”
     
    I don’t remember my name yet I remember the words I’m fine . If someone used the phrase, the chances are they were far from fine and that something was bothering them. I didn’t push her to find out what she was really thinking. I didn’t need to. I expected I already knew the answer. She was scared about the situation (both inside the house and out). And she had every right to be; both of our stomachs were rumbling loudly and that wasn’t going to fix itself by sitting around in the hope someone would come by the house and find us here. Besides, if someone did come by, would Father believe they were actually there to help or would he just regard them as a possible threat? Looters here to see what they could scavenge?
     
    “I was thinking about leaving the house,” I told her. There was a brief spell of silence. “Thought it might be worth going out and seeing if I can find help, or some food.”
     
    “What about what Father said?” she asked.
     
    “You know we can’t just sit here and wait.”
     
    “But if you leave...What he was saying about the things out there...Those people...”
     
    “If I stay, we’re going to starve. How long can we last with no food? I don’t have a choice.”
     
    “Father won’t let you.”
     
    She was right (of course) but maybe he didn’t have to know. Maybe I could just avoid the whole conversation with him? I could just leave via the window. Move one of the barricades and sneak out. All it would take is for Sister to go downstairs and keep them talking. I could leave. A little time later they’d discover me missing but by then I’d be long gone and there’d be nothing they could do about it. I’d either come back with help or food - either way it would be a win for the family.
     
    “I won’t ask,” I told her.
     
    “He’ll be mad.”
     
    “I won’t be here.”
     
    “But I will be.”
     
    “You don’t need to let him know we had this conversation. Just act surprised when he comes and tells you both that I’ve left via one of the windows. It’ll be fine.”
     
    “I don’t want you to go.”
     
    “I don’t have a choice. We don’t have a choice. In an ideal world - yes - someone would come and find us and everything would work out perfectly. We’d go on to have our happy ever after but, what’s happened outside, that’s proven we aren’t living in an ideal world. The place is ruined and if we’re to survive...I need to do this.”
     
    Sister didn’t say anything. She knew I was right as much as I wished I