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wasn’t. I didn’t want to go out there - especially alone - but I knew I didn’t have a choice. Not if we wanted to survive.
     
    “When?” she asked.
     
    “This morning. Now.”
     
    Her eyes welled up. She looked away from me. I didn’t know what to say to make her feel better. She must have been able to see that it was the best thing to do. She must have realised what it would have meant if I just sat there and did nothing?
     
    “I’ll come back!” I promised her. I don’t know why I told her that. It was stupid of me. I hoped I’d be coming back, of course I did, but I couldn’t promise it. What if there is no food out there? What if there is no one out there to help us? I could end up walking until I collapse from exhaustion.
     
    “I could come with you?” she suggested.
     
    I shook my head. “You can’t. It’s dangerous out there. Besides which - as much as I’d love for you to come with me - Mother and Father would realise pretty early on if we were both to go missing. We wouldn’t exactly get far away enough before they’d come looking.”
     
    “They wouldn’t come looking,” she said. “Father won’t leave the house.”
     
    “If both of his children vanished from the house I am sure he’d come after us. Look - just stay here. You can tell him why I would have left when they realise I have gone. You can say that you didn’t know I was going to do it but that I’ve probably gone for help. It might make him feel better about it all. Help him see that I didn’t have a choice, yeah?”
     
    Sister reluctantly nodded.
     
    “I love you!” I told her. I pulled her close for a hug. She hugged me back.
     
    “Just come home!” she ordered me.
     
    “I will.”

 
     
     
     
    PART THREE
    Now
     
    Morning After
     
    Morning had come, despite my wishes for an eternal sleep to take a hold of me during the night. I shouldn’t have eaten any of the meat last night. I should have refused it. A hunger-strike. I should have just let myself starve to death but then - if I was going to do that - I should have done it the first time I was presented with the choice of eating or not.
     
    A strong willingness to survive, I guess. How I wish I could shake that from my mind now. But then (if we’re talking wishes) I wish I hadn’t survived the bomb in the first place. If it had to happen - and it was only ever a matter of time from what Father remembers of the past - I wish I had been one of the lucky ones to have perished upon impact. At least then I wouldn’t have turned into what I am today - whatever that is. And I wouldn’t have had to witness my family changing from the people that I loved into...What are we now?
     
    I can’t shake the thoughts of what I have done to my sister and the images of the things I’ve eaten from my mind. When I’m taking part in the atrocities it feels good. It feels more than good. But afterwards? The guilt surges through me reminding me how wrong it all is. I can’t cope with it.
     
    I glanced up to the mattress where Sister was sleeping. She kicked me from the bed once she had finished with me last night and had fallen asleep pretty quickly. Guess I played my part well. She looks as though she is sleeping soundly. Certainly more at peace than she was the day I left her to go looking for food; the day I stepped up and put my life on the line to protect my family from the risks of starvation.
     
    I shouldn’t have left the house. I should have stayed put and let nature take its course. If we starved to death then so be it. God’s will. At least we would have died as innocents. No blood on our hands.
     
    Looking at her now, I wonder whether there is any part of my sister left in there just as there’s a small part of me hidden away deep beneath the surface. Or is she lost to whatever darkness consumed our humanity when we were presented with the option?
     
    Please let there be some humanity left in her.
     
    And within my mother and father.
     
    She