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psychiatrist the way she is, and two, I’m her senior officer. I stepped over a line by even telling her about Ben in the first place, and I have no business treating her like anything more than a soldier. She’s too… damned if I know what it is— young for me, maybe? No. That’s not it. Innocent?
     
    Fragile. That’ s the word I’m looking for. Even if I wasn’t her senior officer, it’d never work because I just can’t see myself ending up with someone I have to protect all the time. No way in hell I could deal with that. I can barely deal with protecting my platoon.
    There’s one thing I can do, though. I take my coat off and drape it gently over her shoulders.  The cold wind stabs bitterly into my exposed arms, but it’s still worth it. You’d think I gave Emma a kitten judging by her smile.
    “I’m gonna try to get some sleep,” I say, patting her on the shoulder as I turn away. “Just toss the coat on my trunk when you come in and I’ll grab it in the morning.”
    “Sleep tight, Cage,” she tells me, and then as I head for the stairwell, she calls after me.
    “Hey, Cage?”
    “Yeah?” I look back at her over my shoulder.
    She opens her mouth to speak, but then shakes her head and turns away again.
    “Thanks for the coat,” she says, sounding almost as if she’s ashamed of herself or something. I stare back at her for a long time before answering.
    “Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing,” I tell her, and then I step inside out of the cold and close the door behind me.
    Fifteen flights down… tiptoe past the sleeping soldiers… and into bed again. The clock reads 05:45 now, and I’ve still barely slept a wink. At least it’s Christmas and we’re getting the day off. I’ll have plenty of time to catch up on my sleep—it’s not like I have anywhere else to go.
    This is my second Christmas in New York. I can’t believe I’ve been in this awful city for two years now. What the hell am I doing?
    Spinning my wheels? Surviving? Trying to make up for Ben?
    None of the answers seem to fit tonight. I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m too tired to worry about it anymore. My eyelids flutter shut and I finally fall asleep.
    Merry Christmas.

Chapter Five
    Bindi
    The patrol guard stops me again as I go to leave. He turns me around. Again I see his eyes like yellow bismuth twinkling under the fluorescent lights of the military grid. This time he doesn’t let me go.
    This time he kisses me.
    Twirling in a slow embrace, my movements seem impossible to prevent. My hand pushes against his chest, but not unwillingly. Lips hotter than the sun seize mine, and I am dizzy with pleasure. A sweet ache works itself through my body until I am arching against him, and then we are kissing, kissing, and I never want him to pull away. I know in his arms I am safe.
    Something falls out of my pouch. The rations. He pulls back and I see a flicker of doubt in his eyes. Then his face begins to shift, to morph into a kind of creature I’ve never seen. His nose pulls back into a snout, and he grows even bigger. He looks down at me in terror and anger, and I know somehow that it’s my fault that all of this is happening.
    All my fault.
    He’s huge now, furred and fanged, and his claws pull me back toward him, closer, closer, until his hot breath puffs out through his sharp teeth. Then... he roars.
    I jerk out of my fantasy with a start and tear the covers off of my shoulders. Too hot. Kit, still curled up next to me in the cot, flicks her tail once but doesn’t wake up. I’m panting with an embarrassed mix of desire and fear.
    It stings me that I can’t control my thoughts. Even my fantasies end in nightmares.
    Patting Kit’s furry fox head, I whisper soft things until I know she is sleeping soundly. Sweat has dampened my clothes, and as I pull the blanket off of me, the cold chill of the tunnel makes me want to snuggle back up with Kit and sleep until morning.
    But today is Christmas, and I am Santa